Quote of the Week

A mannerly friend forwarded this wonderful quote to us last week.  Where did she get it?  From her own mannerly mother of course!

image courtesy of WallyHood.org

Emily Post wrote in 1922 that “One who possesses truly fine manners has more than mere beauty; she has infinite charm. She is so well born that she is charming to everyone. Her manner to a Duke who happens to be staying in the house is not a bit more courteous than her manner to the kitchen maid who she chances to meet in the gardens” 

Manners are merely tools to help us live a code (of kindness and consideration). Beneath its myriad rules, the fundamental purpose of etiquette is to make the world a pleasanter place and you a more pleasant person. First, they smooth the paths between us and other people, to establish a pleasant relationship from the first – that’s why introductions, “pleases” and “Thank yous” are so important. Second, knowing the guidelines of good manners gives us self- confidence. We are more comfortable if we know what to do. And Third, manners make us more attractive people. A dinner guest who engages in animated conversation with asparagus spears protruding from his mouth isn’t very attractive. And who doesn’t want to look better in the eyes of others? 

“The purpose of manners is to make the other person comfortable with you, to establish rapport so the person is happy about being with you. ”As Professor Henry Higgins put it in Pygmalion, “The great secret is not having bad manners or good manners, but having the same manners for all human souls” 

Authors Unknown

Hello Again

A One Act Play - Set in current day Suburbia

Young Energetic Mother: You know, I have been introduce to Sally Jones at least four times but she never seems to remember me and does not say hello when we see each other around town.

Older Wise Mother:  Hmmm.  And your children are in the same school?

Young Energetic:  Yes.

Old Wise:  Well my dear, I hate to break it to you, but it sounds like you are socially invisible to Sally Jones.

Young Energetic:  But, I don't understand. We have been at the same parties and events.  We know a lot of the same people.  To my knowledge I have never offended her.  Lots of people enjoy my company.

Old Wise:  Yes, my friend - including me. Now, let's run through the possibilities.  1) She is very busy and important and genuinely does not remember meeting you.  2) She knows she has met you but is playing some sort of weird 'I am too fabulous to know you game.'  3) She is shy, socially awkward and does not know how to interact with other humans.  4) She has been crazy busy being the perfect mother for the past 5 years and has only recently awoken from a Rip Van Winkle type coma and deserves another chance.

Young Energetic:  So what should I do the next time I see her?

Old Wise:  Because you are a kind person and a polite one, I know you will not give her a does of her own medicine and pretend you don't know her.  When you see her around town simply say "hello"  as you would to a neighbor, mail man or person you recognize but do not know well.  If she looks a you blankly or disdainfully just keep moving knowing you have done the courteous thing.  Remember if she is playing some weird head game the only way she can win is if you let her make you uncomfortable.

Young Energetic:  That's true. Good strategy.  What if we get introduced again?

Old Wise:  I think in that case I would let her speak first and if she does not say anything just say "It is so nice to see you. " and follow the conversational lead of the person who introduced you.  If it is awkward just drink up quickly and say "Oh my I seem to be our of champagne, will you excuse me?" and get on down the road.  You are an interesting person with wonderful friends and if she does not wish to count herself among them it is her loss.  You should not feel embarrassed or uncomfortable because someone else is oblivious or rude.

Young Energetic:  I'll do it!

The End

Bonjour!

"I have no illusions I lost them on my travels," so says Vicomte de Valmont in the dastardly French film Dangerous Liaisons.  Our own summer travels in the land of chateaux and bistros have dispelled a few illusions as well.  For example, why are French children generally so well behaved at the table? 

 I never put my elbows on the table

I never leave the table until the meal is finished

 I lift my food to my mouth

I never talk when my mouth is full

I cut my meat without disturbing my neighbors

I put my napkin on my lap

En viola!  Now we know.  If you don't mind a little shipping fee you can find these cute plates here. 

Hope your summer was wonderful.  Welcome back. 

Friday Frivolity: Manners Checklist

When a friend recently sent us this list of 25 manners every child should know by age 9, we realized that we had been neglecting our blog's original intention, which was to discuss manners and modern motherhood. Since we found the list compassionate and modern but still (thankfully) traditional, we wanted to share it with all of our well mannered readers.

And at least this modern mother was relieved to realize her children might not be that far off the mark. Hope you all feel the same way.

*image from MindWare

Friday Frivolity: Richard Scarry's Classic Manners Book

We doubt our readers need much advice about teaching manners to their children, but nevertheless, we would like to celebrate a sweet little book that does precisely that. Richard Scarry's Please and Thank You Bookteaches even the youngest children good manners by showing them. Huckle the Cat asks to be excused after a meal and remembers to help clear the table. Lowly worm says "Thank you for a very a very nice time" when leaving a birthday party. Pig Won't spends a boring day by himself because he won't help his father in the boatyard and later learns that helping out can be rewarding and fun. Just like reading this book.

Why We Trouble with Thank You

In a culture of indifference and vulgarity, a world where RSVPs are optional and asking a boy to wear a tie is unheard of, the well mannered modern mother can sometimes feel besieged.  Why?  Why should she insist on table manners and thank you notes from her children?  Why should she cajole her children into dressing appropriately for the occasion? Why should she request that her children look the hostess in the eye when thanking her?

With a recent story in the Wall Street Journal, the modern mother can put those questions to rest, or at the very least, feel justified in insisting on traditional manners. According to the story, Thank You, No, Thank You, the act of being thankful can make you happier, healthier, more successful.  For adults, this can mean higher incomes, higher resistance to viral infections, and better sleep. For children, it can mean a higher grades, fewer stomach ache complaints, and more satisfaction with school, friends, family.

Whatever those measures of "success" really mean, teaching children to say thank you, in writing and in person, helps them to acknowledge their own gratitude. It helps them recognize their own blessings, maybe even gives them a bit of humility and respect.

And so, well-mannered mothers and readers, you can all pat yourselves on the back, knowing that for once, social science agrees that you are doing something right. And if you want to put those studies to the test, trying being extra thankful, and see if you sleep better or maybe even get a raise.

Shall We Dance?

One day, a well mannered mother may find, in her mailbox, an invitation. An ecru envelope, addressed in an elegant looping script to her 10 year-old son. From inside, an equally lovely invitation emerges. An invitation to dancing school. 

Some mothers may consider the arrival of this invitation cause for celebration. At last! A place and occasion to learn nearly obsolete social skills like offering an arm, good posture, and escorting a partner. Other mothers may consider it worthwhile to have her children go to dancing school if only to be included in this social ritual, and to enable her children to laugh congenially about the cotillion years later in life. A less well mannered mother may even send her child for perceived improvement of her own social status, as suggested in a recent New York Times article. 

But this modern mother might feel ambivalent. She glances through the window and sees her son playing soccer in the yard. He lunges for the ball, falls and emerges covered in clinging leaves. He’s shouting, disheveled, and dirty. Send THIS child to cotillion?  He can barely remember to put socks on when he gets dressed in the morning. He doesn't even speak to girls. He still can't get enough bathroom humor. But perhaps that’s exactly the point. 

So, she sighs, imagining how big the bribe will have to be, how much negotiation and cajoling will be required. She supposes it will be worth it, but will not make the mistake of thinking a few classes in fox-trot and "standing as a sign of respect" will instill in him a deep sense of common human courtesy. How to put others as ease, to be gracious, and even truly kind will have to come from her, his mother, but it can’t hurt to have him learn a little bit of protocol, and the rumba to boot.  

*image from the New York Times, "A Dancing School for Little Adults"

Is Preppy Polite?

The impending publication of True Prep, the sequel to The Official Preppy Handbook  causes one to consider.  Is madras inherently well mannered? Do a penchant for plaid and a liking for Lilly mean you know how to behave? Do the teachings of Emily Post belong to the entitled?

Certainly not. Anyone can be well mannered. You don’t need docksiders and monogrammed tumblers. So why do so many self styled “preppy”people seem so focused on manners? Is it because they have the time to care? Is it because they frequent exclusive locales where one is judged on such things? No matter how flamboyant one's trousers, all people appreciate it when someone is polite. Having good manners really means being considerate of the feelings and needs of others. Introducing yourself to a stranger, shaking hands, holding a door, offering someone a drink are all designed to put another person at ease. If one uses fancy manners to exclude another person she is not being polite. Think of the elegant hostess who drinks out of her finger bowl because a guest has mistaken her own for a water vessel. This kindness cost the hostess nothing and is much more considerate to the guest than pointing out her mistake in a room full of people.

Bring on True Prep and reissue the original but just remember wearing plaid does not make you polite.  Being polite makes you polite and being rude in plaid just makes you look like an ass. 

Gossip

The well mannered modern mother tries to remember, if so and so is saying these things to you about such and such; what do you think she is saying to such and such about you? She also tries to remember her keys and where her children are and what time she needs to pick each one up.

Playground Antics

There is a type of ill-mannered mother that can be found at the playground more often than we would like. This mother treats the playground as an opportunity to demonstrate her superiority as a citizen and mother in the guise of speaking to or correcting her toddler. Sadly, most parents are all too familiar with these loudly audible monologues. “Oh no Phoebe in our family we never throw sand like that little boy. We know sand belongs in the sand box... Oh I see that girl is still using the swing, I guess they don’t have the 10-minute rule like we do... No darling that is an Oreo. It has hydrogenated fat in it. We do not eat those.” So it goes, on and on and on. By stark contrast the well-mannered mother knows that a park is one of the first safe places a toddler can navigate by himself and the more hands-off she is the better. She should find a comfortable spot and enjoy a brief moment of quiet. She is welcome to engage other parents in conversation if she wishes. She might begin with a polite opening comment such as “What a lovely day” or “I adore your diaper bag” but if it is not met with an friendly and open response she should smile and open her book or sit quietly with her own thoughts.

The Name Game

It is the rare adult who truly appreciates being addressed as "Hey, Betty" by a five year-old; especially when he is her son. The well mannered modern mother knows that no matter how egalitarian or evolved she is in her own abode (or commune) when meeting new adults a polite child should address them as Mrs., Ms., Mr. or Doctor unless expressly asked by the adult to whom she is speaking to do otherwise. This tried and true convention should be seen not as means of repressing a brilliant and precocious child but as a way of making other adults fell comfortable and respected by your children. The well mannered modern mother realizes there are really not that many adults who consider people under 18 their social or intellectual equals. She will at times even reflect upon the interesting fact that even Karl Marx, father of Communism and defender of the proletariate, addressed the workers of the world as "Comrade Vladamir" not just "Vladamir".

Photography

Well-mannered modern parents know that taking photos of ones children is a wonderful way to remember all those happy times. These same courteous people are well aware of the rule of 3. That is NEVER EVER send more that 3 photos of your child in a given salutation (email, link, Shutterfly) to anyone not related to the child by blood. No matter what your college roommate, work colleagues, or plastic surgeon say, they really do not want to look at more than 3 pictures of your children. Think about it.