Vacation, all I ever wanted?

For many mothers, summer “vacation” is no holiday. Never is this more true than when she decides to take a trip (yes, a “vacation”), say, for example, to a beach house filled with her own extended family. She is lucky to be there, lucky to have access, lucky to spend time at a scenic waterfront spot. Lucky indeed. So, how can it feel like such drudgery? Is it the endless cycle of changing into swimsuits, applying sunscreen, preparing snacks, dragging chairs, buckets, bags across the sand, supplying drinks of water, supplying clean towels, wiping sand out of eyes, and then cleaning everyone and everything up only to do it all again the next day? Is it the difficulty (exacerbated by the new setting) of keeping track of all the swimsuits, coloring books, hats, sunglasses, and favorite stuffed animals? Is it the exhaustion of letting the kids stay up later than normal, only to have them wake with the sun, ready for another busy day of vacation? Whatever it is, it can leave a modern mother feeling fatigued and, well, in need of a vacation from her vacation. But of course there is no time off from motherhood. Perhaps the modern mother can take solace in the fact that she is not alone, and the U.S. has recently been called “No Vacation Nation” for the paltry vacation time Americans typically receive and take from their paid jobs. Better consolation might be found by curling up with her digital camera after everyone is in bed, and flipping through the photos of the day: frolicking in the surf, sandcastles, learning to body surf. Her children’s happiness in the photos should help put the schlepping in perspective. These luminous and gritty days at the beach are quintessential childhood summer memories.  The modern mother can cling to their brightness and shake off the fatigue as she shakes the sand out of her beach bag.

Diaper Danger (part 2)

The mother of very young children may sometimes find herself in a busy restaurant or on an airplane, with a baby or toddler in urgent need of a diaper change. She may feel a moment of panic when she sees the limited and paltry options for changing: (1) a closet-like bathroom of dubious hygiene with no counter or other horizontal surface, or (2) right there, at the table or airplane seat. That’s it. Even the best-equipped diaper bags can’t rectify this situation.

As she considers the crowded scene before her, a mother can be forgiven for thinking no one will notice if she sneaks in a quick diaper change, right there, at her seat. But they will. There are always people grumpy to see babies and small children in restaurants and on airplanes, no matter how quiet and angelic. A visible public diaper change just might send one of these people over the edge, turn the stomach of an otherwise child-loving observer, or even violate health codes.

And, so, despite the indignity and frustration, the well-mannered mother must swallow hard, grab her diaper bag and make it work. In a restaurant, she could consider escaping to her car, if she drove. Or try using a reclined stroller as a “changing table” if she can find a discreet place for it. However she manages, she keeps the diaper change private. She may be thinking, “this is not what I signed up for!” as she cradles her baby’s head and shoulders with one arm, grabs the wipes and changes the diaper with the other arm, all while limiting contact with the paper towels and changing pad on the bathroom floor. She may even break into a sweat. But she will know that she has made her own heroic contribution towards keeping the world civilized, even if the perpetually grumpy people sitting next to her don’t have the slightest clue what she has spared them.

Forbidden Fruits (and goldfish, and graham crackers, and cheerios...)

Though not likely to be endorsed by the American Academy of Pediatricians anytime soon, snacking remains an effective form of entertainment for little ones strapped in a stroller, waiting at the doctor's office, sitting around an airport terminal, verging on meltdown at the gymnastics studio. Who hasn't slipped a toddler a graham cracker to keep him quiet, or broken out the mini-oreos to keep peace on a airplane? However, when there is a sign saying “No Food or Drink”, the well mannered mother knows this pertains not only to her but also to her offspring. Even 24 pound, cheerio-eating offspring. There are some environments where a sign should not be required for parents to recognize that rampant snacking is not only nutritionally questionable but verging on disrespectful. Churches and synagogues come to mind. As do the White house, the Metropolitan Opera, and Buckingham Palace. Thankfully, your intrepid authors don't spend too much time in those places. It can be difficult to say no to a sniveling 3-year old who "just wants some goldfish," but say no one must. By doing so the well mannered mother teaches her children to be aware of their environment and considerate of the others using it. Not to mention those cleaning up.

You may find yourself

From time to time the well mannered mother may find herself driving a car much larger than she ever wanted to own, full of yelling children, a few of whom are hers, to an activity in which she has zero personal interest. In the immortal words of The Talking Heads, "Well, how did I get here?" It might also happen that her not so well mannered daughter in the back row is terrorizing her son who is screaming like a Banshee in the second row while their respective friends look on in delight. It might even be that there is another mother in the passenger seat who is probably thinking something like "Did she say she writes a blog about manners? Oh my, how ironic." But the well mannered mother drives on knowing that some day her children will be safely deposited at any wonderful boarding school that will take them. At that point she will miss these hectic times as she scoots around town in her Mini Cooper, alone with her thoughts and her music. Yeah right.

Going for a stroll

The well mannered modern and hip mother knows that the fact she is pushing a stroller that costs more than her monthly mortgage does NOT afford her any special status in the real world. It is not a weapon. Nor is it a war wound. The well mannered modern mother realizes that no matter how high-tech her method of perambulating her adorable offspring there are other people on the sidewalk. These people may be going to a job, the dentist or a fabulous sample sale. In any event fancy wheels and a screaming baby do not give her the right to take up the entire sidewalk.

Playground Antics

There is a type of ill-mannered mother that can be found at the playground more often than we would like. This mother treats the playground as an opportunity to demonstrate her superiority as a citizen and mother in the guise of speaking to or correcting her toddler. Sadly, most parents are all too familiar with these loudly audible monologues. “Oh no Phoebe in our family we never throw sand like that little boy. We know sand belongs in the sand box... Oh I see that girl is still using the swing, I guess they don’t have the 10-minute rule like we do... No darling that is an Oreo. It has hydrogenated fat in it. We do not eat those.” So it goes, on and on and on. By stark contrast the well-mannered mother knows that a park is one of the first safe places a toddler can navigate by himself and the more hands-off she is the better. She should find a comfortable spot and enjoy a brief moment of quiet. She is welcome to engage other parents in conversation if she wishes. She might begin with a polite opening comment such as “What a lovely day” or “I adore your diaper bag” but if it is not met with an friendly and open response she should smile and open her book or sit quietly with her own thoughts.

Diaper Danger

At the risk of violating the rule that all things biological are not subjects for polite conversation, let us mention the matter of diaper disposal. A household suffering with a child who is not yet toilet trained is incapable of understanding the olfactory damage one soiled diaper can do to a house where all inhabitants use toilets successfully. When you are a guest at someone’s home and you must change a soiled diaper, do not leave said diaper in the trash can, waiting for your hostess to properly dispose of. You might as well ask her to change the diaper in the first place. Instead, you may flush the offending contents down the toilet, seal the diaper in a sack (or two or three) and whisk it away with you to be disposed of at home. Or, you may offer to take the toxic item to the outside trash and clear the air in more ways than one.