I'm not here to make friends!

The early years of motherhood can be lonely for a mother who stays at home, and she may find herself frequenting parks, toddler music classes, and the public library, partly for the benefit of her child, partly to meet some like-minded mothers and probably mostly just to get out of the house. Like a young, single man going for a “run” with a puppy, this mother is ready and available for conversation. (Understandably so.) Unlucky for her, then, when she runs into another variety of mother, a mother of many children and/or older children. Out for a jaunt with one baby or toddler, this mother may be enjoying time with her youngest, who can not yet ask questions like “so, how exactly does the baby get out of the mommy’s belly?” (“Birth canal,” of course.)

When the new-ish mother sidles up to chat about diaper bags and preschool, the more experienced mother may be thinking, “oh please, please, don’t make me engage in small talk! This is boring enough already.” Whereas, she once would have welcomed the interaction of an informal mother’s group, now, she just wants to watch her child play/dance/explore and possibly sneak in a little time with her Blackberry. So what is the well mannered mother to do about this? Clearly, acting like a reality TV contestant and declaring "I'm not here to make friends!" is out. Packing up and heading home is also not likely an option. Instead, she could politely indicate a disinterest in conversation by keeping her answers short and questions few. She could casually mention the older children. Or, she could remember her own boredom and loneliness as a new mother, smile, and chat. In no time at all, she may find herself enjoying a casual conversation with her husband's college roommate's sister's friend, with a former buyer for Bergdorf's, or some one who used to clerk for a supreme court justice. She may even find the whole experience a bit interesting, fun, or informative. And, all while watching the her child giggle and clap his chubby hands or scale a playground ladder for the first time.

Vigilante Parenting

They strike fear into the hearts of reasonable and well mannered parents everywhere.They are the dads that scream at you and your 5 year-old on the playgroundbecause your son’s kickball accidentally landed on his daughter. They are themothers who call your house to “inform you” that your 7 year-old would not holdher daughter’s hand on the class field trip. They are the people who would callthe police if you ever attempted to leave your sleeping toddler in the car(windows open of course) and race into the dry cleaner. They are the motherswho tell the teacher how to manage her classroom.They are the vigilantes, the KGB, the parenting police. They lurk, watching andwaiting to strike the moment you make a mistake. Racing over to "helpfully" point out justhow awful you/your children are before you can even process what’s happened. They are the people who, despite all evidence to the contrary, believe they know more and better about your children that you do.

When confronted with these officious individuals the best thing a well manneredmother can do is smile politely and say “I’m terribly sorry but I never involvemyself in my children’s disputes” or “I appreciate your concern, but I’ve gotthis. Thank you.” If an apology is in order do so pleasantly and quickly, “I amso sorry about that. Algernon is working on his hand-eye coordination. Look atthe time! We must run - he has fencing in 20 minutes. Goodbye.” Do not linger.Do not over-explain. They are waiting for an opening to exhibit theirsuperior knowledge and skill in all things parental.

The most frustrating part of such encounters aside from the total invasion of spaceand privacy is that these people are out there making hard working, wellmannered modern mothers doubt themselves and their children. Well cringe no more! Doubt no more! You are doing a fine job and you do not need to stand aroundlistening to the ill-mannered, know-it-all, playground pariahs.

Public Speaking

In public places, one may sometimes encounter a variety of mother who audibly narrates her young child’s activities, in a sing-song, faux-pre-school teacher manner. At the grocery store, “Yes, Aidan, that’s broccoli! You love broccoli.” Waiting at the doctor’s office, “Baby?! You see the baby? Yes, that baby has a pacifier like you, but yours is only for nigh, nigh.” Crossing the street, she may look both ways in an exaggerated manner. In a public restroom, she may burst into a “hand-washing song.” On the playground, she may be seen hovering beside her child, tissue at the ready. Wherever she is, her continuous voluble narration is unstoppable. The outside observer might wonder if this steady stream of commentary allows this mother to make it through a mind-numbingly dull day. Or, perhaps, she believes that this semi-instructive patter will benefit her child more if delivered in loud saccharine tones. Or, she may believe her monologue will demonstrate her skill as a mother. Maybe she has not yet realized that the world is indifferent to what she says to her child in the grocery store and that no one doubts that she is, indeed, the person best qualified to raise her child. Even without the sing-song drivel.

Playground Antics

There is a type of ill-mannered mother that can be found at the playground more often than we would like. This mother treats the playground as an opportunity to demonstrate her superiority as a citizen and mother in the guise of speaking to or correcting her toddler. Sadly, most parents are all too familiar with these loudly audible monologues. “Oh no Phoebe in our family we never throw sand like that little boy. We know sand belongs in the sand box... Oh I see that girl is still using the swing, I guess they don’t have the 10-minute rule like we do... No darling that is an Oreo. It has hydrogenated fat in it. We do not eat those.” So it goes, on and on and on. By stark contrast the well-mannered mother knows that a park is one of the first safe places a toddler can navigate by himself and the more hands-off she is the better. She should find a comfortable spot and enjoy a brief moment of quiet. She is welcome to engage other parents in conversation if she wishes. She might begin with a polite opening comment such as “What a lovely day” or “I adore your diaper bag” but if it is not met with an friendly and open response she should smile and open her book or sit quietly with her own thoughts.

Advice

What better topic to begin with than the topic of Advice?

Generally unsolicited and mostly well meaning, strangers give advice to mothers from the time she is visibly pregnant. From “You are having a natural birth, aren’t you” to “you really should enroll your 18 month old in Chinese/Russian/Arabic classes now” these tidbits are usually unwelcome and irritating. The well-mannered mother knows to smile politely and change the subject or leave the room as soon as possible.

Certain ill-mannered mothers will react to such advice with loud complaints to their friends and family: “How annoying! That lady just told me to put a hat on my baby! As if I don’t know the temperature outside! She should try keeping a hat on an 11 month-old!” Maybe she has. The well-mannered mother remembers that such outrage is an inappropriate response to well-meaning, though misguided behavior.

Needless to say, the well-mannered mother should never give advice unless expressly asked and then only on the subject at hand.