A Crisis of Conference

I never thought I would be one of those mothers - the ones who doubt, dismiss, disbelieve, when a teacher reports less than desirable behavior in her child, the mothers who assume that her child’s faltering performance at school stems from the school “not doing enough” or a problematic teacher. But then, I had never really been tested.

Sitting in a recent parent teacher conference, learning about my third child’s “learning differences,” I was surprised by my own reaction. Despite a careful, kind and well mannered delivery, the message somehow sounded like, “all of the other 1st graders sit quietly at their desks reading chapter books, while your child swings from the light fixtures, and barely writes his own name.”

Battling mounting anxiety and defensive thoughts like “their expectations are just too high” I managed to listen and ask questions. I could see where and how my child might need some support. In the end, the teachers and I pulled through this “crisis of conference,” had a civilized discussion and put a plan in place to help my flagging student.

Yet, I emerged humbled – not by the fact that one of my children will need tutoring, but more than a little surprised to find myself susceptible to the kind of defensiveness that can undermine an effective parent teacher relationship. I like to think of myself as a cooperative and open-minded person, not someone who would deny the existence of a problem.

In the end, I suppose I am lucky. Lucky, that good manners and good will prevailed, allowing us to proceed forward and do what is best for this child, whom I love so much.

Dinnertime discourse for little people

It's always thrill to see a mannerly topic garner headlines, even if only in the “style” section. And so “Table Talk: The New Family Dinner” in Sunday’s New York Times was a welcome sight. The article describes the habits, conventions and rituals of family dinner conversations, cites examples from the childhoods of famous and/or highly successful people, including Johnathan Safran Foer, Amy Chua, Laurie David, and Rahm Emmanuel, and describes the Obama family “rose and thorn” ritual in which family members enumerate the high and low point of their day.

While some might find such family conversation strategies contrived, I was inspired. Would it be possible to use the “rose and thorn” trick to steer our family dinner conversation away from Star Wars, Captain Underpants, and Why can’t I go see the Hunger Games? Could we manage to banter about ethical conundrums? Geopolitics? Would heated discussions of current events propel my children into fame, fortune and politics as it in the Emmanuel family?  Hardly, yet it’s worth the effort. Guiding our children towards informed conversations means setting expectations about behavior, treating them with the civility and respect we hope they will show others, and teaching them about the larger world. Such family table talk is hardly “new” as the New York Times title suggest. It's just good manners.

Friday Frivolity: Sparkling summer socializing

In this season of weekend visits and summer socializing, the modern mother will likely (hopefully) find herself at an adult dinner party. We can only imagine the company will be amiable and the conversation convivial.  However, should our modern mother find herself trapped by an obnoxious bore, or shifting in her seat as the conversation dies amid nervous laughter, we then hope she has read this recent piece from the New York Times: The Life (and Death) of the Party by Bruce Feiler. Mr. Feiler not only offers ideas of how to extract oneself from a monotonous tête-à-tête, but also suggests a few fun general questions, like, “How many of Michelle Bachman’s 23 foster children will vote for her for president?” We could add a few more, like, “if you had to emigrate and could choose any non-English speaking country, which one would you choose?” Or, “What was the first concert you ever went to?”  Readers, do you have a favorite question for general conversation?

Happy reading, and enjoy the weekend!

* image from the Style Files

People Say the Darndest Things... especially to Mothers

The recent Lives column in the New York Times Sunday Magazine, Terrible Twins describes one of the universal truths of motherhood: People say the darndest things to pregnant ladies. In the essay, writer Samantha Hunt enumerates negative reactions she received when expecting twins: people wrinkled their noses, said, "really?" and "better you than me." While Ms. Hunt blames these comments on the fact that she was expecting multiples, most modern mothers have all been there.

Expecting another child 14 months after the birth of your first? Be prepared for impertinent questions regarding (a) your religious background, or (b) your knowledge of the logistics of procreation. Expecting your third son? Be prepared for condolences. Pregnancy bump too large? Not large enough? Whatever the situation, it seems the expectant mother is destined to receive comments and questions that may seem offensive, judgmental, callous, and more.

But, here's the thing: 99% of these comments are not meant to offend. They are usually awkward or unsuccessful attempts at small talk or humor. So, there's not much use in getting worked up about it. An expectant mother who hears zingers like, "So, was this planned?" is hardly unique. Hopefully, Ms. Hunt has learned that by now.

And, since we all know the clueless comments don't stop when the baby is born, an expectant mother might consider her pregnancy as training for all the many loaded questions and comments she will receive as a mother : Cloth or disposable, bottle or breast? Do you work? Time outs or logical consequences? Sign up for travel team or forgo organized sports? Do you let your sitter drive your children? Sneaker sucker or excellent mother? 

Must be your First Child

As a modern mother becomes a “seasoned parent,” she may gain confidence, based not on books and "experts" seen on The Today Show, but on having made and recovered from more than a few parenting mistakes, from having cobbled together some semblance of a harmonious family system, however temporary. And yet, when the well mannered mother stumbles upon this sudden awareness of her own, dare we say, parenting prowess, she remembers all the times when she made an “issue” out of nonsense. Maybe she worried obsessively about how she would ever put an end to her 9 month-old’s thumb-sucking habit. Perhaps when her child went on his first independent playdate, she called three times in the space of two hours. Or possibly, she used to look askance at any mother who preferred to read on a park bench rather than watch her child play. Whatever her former foibles, the well mannered mother remains acutely aware that parenting is a moving target, a learning process, and a more experienced mother might find her current worries about primary school homework foolish or naive. In the spirit of this awareness, she refrains from commenting, “Clearly, this must be your first child!” in many, many situations. When she overhears the mother of a toddler say, “I really think he is gifted, have you seen the way he stacks his books and lines up toys?” she moves on. When she witnesses a parent approach the school nurse to say that her kindergartener “didn’t really eat any breakfast this morning - what should we do about it?” she bites her lip. When a mother explains that her baby is “24 and a half weeks,” she admires the baby, rather than respond, “Weeks? Must be your first, if you’re counting that closely!” Because, what new (or new-ish) mother wants to have her inexperience remarked upon? What mother of any experience wants her weakness pointed out? So, even if she has to pinch herself to remember, the well-mannered mother tries not to let the phrase "must be your first" slip out, no matter how much she is thinking it.

Public Speaking

In public places, one may sometimes encounter a variety of mother who audibly narrates her young child’s activities, in a sing-song, faux-pre-school teacher manner. At the grocery store, “Yes, Aidan, that’s broccoli! You love broccoli.” Waiting at the doctor’s office, “Baby?! You see the baby? Yes, that baby has a pacifier like you, but yours is only for nigh, nigh.” Crossing the street, she may look both ways in an exaggerated manner. In a public restroom, she may burst into a “hand-washing song.” On the playground, she may be seen hovering beside her child, tissue at the ready. Wherever she is, her continuous voluble narration is unstoppable. The outside observer might wonder if this steady stream of commentary allows this mother to make it through a mind-numbingly dull day. Or, perhaps, she believes that this semi-instructive patter will benefit her child more if delivered in loud saccharine tones. Or, she may believe her monologue will demonstrate her skill as a mother. Maybe she has not yet realized that the world is indifferent to what she says to her child in the grocery store and that no one doubts that she is, indeed, the person best qualified to raise her child. Even without the sing-song drivel.

Crazy Busy

It’s that time of year, not “the holiday season” but the “crazy busy” season, in which everyone from your dog walker to your neighbor will impress upon you just how busy she is. This can be especially true for mothers as they try to balance run-of-the-mill parenting chaos with additional parties, shopping, recitals, visiting relatives, holiday cards and letters. Ask, “How are you?’ and look out for the laundry list response: “Great, but things are so crazy, yesterday was Emme’s holiday concert, but I also had to pick up teacher gifts, and then there was the office holiday party and then today I had my cookie swap. It’s just been crazy busy.” Hmmm. You’re “crazy busy” because of a cookie swap? What exactly is a cookie swap? We all know this variety of mother, who seems to “out-busy” everyone. Mention you’ve got a conflict with a holiday gathering? She’s got two conflicts that very same night! Hard to find time to sit down a get those cards sent out? She’s got it worse! Maybe some mothers view busy-ness as a benchmark of success. Or, perhaps enumerating such busy-ness soothes a mother’s confusion that these many small tasks could make her feel so frantic. Others may use their proclaimed busy-ness as a cover  for lapsed manners such as not RSVPing or writing thank you notes. The well mannered mother does not compete over whose schedule is more hectic. Nor does she use her packed schedule as an excuse for avoiding proper etiquette. Rather than bore her listener with a litany of events attended, gift purchased, etc., she will engage her companion cheerfully as befits the season. Maybe then, she can take a deep breath and actually enjoy a good cookie swap.

Gender Disappointment

Never is the parental axiom, “you get what you get and you don’t get upset” more true than in the case of children. Boys, girls, whatever. When you get a healthy baby, you should count yourself lucky and move on with more important parenting tasks like keeping them bathed, fed and in clean pants. Nevertheless, we have recently become aware of the internet phenomenon known as “gender disappointment,” whereby mothers of multiple children of the same sex (all boys or all girls) feel deeply unhappy about not having a child of the opposite sex. So unhappy, that they lament it online, try expensive gender-selecting fertility treatments, and may require therapy. Whatever her opinion of these antics, the well mannered mother remembers that gender is a sensitive subject for other mothers she may meet. That means steering clear of comments like, “Wow, three boys. Were you disappointed you didn’t get a girl?” Given that most parents have no control over the sex of their baby, negative comments like this are as unwelcome as appraisals like, “Wow, three kids with buck teeth. You must be upset. Are you worried about your future orthodontist bills?” Needless to say, when the well-mannered mother receives such innane comments, she smiles politely and says, “I’m pretty proud of the boys/ girls I have.”

When required to console a friend suffering from gender disappointment, the well-mannered mother resists any urge to say “You have got to be kidding me! Don’t you realize how entitled and narcissistic you sound?” Instead, she listens, smiles, nods. The helpful sort of well mannered mother might make a suggestion such as “You should really talk to Jen, she is suffering from Apartment Disappointment and has recently come to terms with her Husband Disappointment. Now she is worried her son might not get into Brown and he will have to be treated for College Disappointment. You two should really have lunch.”

Interrupting

Children clamor for mother’s attention in proportion to how occupied she is with other things. The phone rings, and the child assembling a puzzle independently suddenly needs help and needs it now! Two mothers are planning an evening out and suddenly a child begins to hang on her mother, squealing “Mommy, draw me a picture!” The well-mannered mother remembers to respect the person with whom she is presently conversing. She may let her conversation partner finish a thought, say “excuse me one minute” and remind her children that they are interrupting, continue her conversation until a reasonable time to pause, then attend to her children. Unless, of course the need is “Mommy! I set the curtains on fire!” "The sink is overflowing!" or "There is a naked man at the door" all of which require immediate attention.

Biology

The well-mannered modern mother should try and remember that all matters dealing with bodily fluid and bodily function fall under the category of biology. This list includes but is not limited to: fertility, sex, pregnancy, birth, nursing, diapering, and toilet training. These topics may be discussed with one’s doctor or a very close friend in the confines of one’s home. Contrary to current custom and daytime television these topics are not proper for group discussion or loud discussion in public. Additionally, no matter how evolved they may seem, well-mannered fathers and especially fathers-in-law truly have zero interest in any of these topics. Except sex.