Holiday hosting, family style

As a blog focusing on the intersection between parenting, manners, and modern mores, we have posted on many topics related to mealtime manners. We’ve taken on table manners, table talk, and the hazards of restaurant dining. We've also explored the perils and pleasures of dinner parties and being a hostess onself. However, we have not yet considered teaching one’s children to becomes well mannered hosts and hostesses of a family dinner gathering.

K.J. Dell’Antonia does just that in her recent post “The Youngest Thanksgiving Hosts” on the Motherlode blog. She shows how delegating small tasks can lead to a greater sense of ownership for a family social event, helping children evolve into competent hosts and hostesses. Hosts in the truest sense of the word, attuned more to the comfort of their guests, than making sure everyone uses the correct fork for their dessert.

Though Ms.Dell’Antonia's post reflects on the already past Thanksgiving meal, its worth reading and thought, especially for all those modern mothers who will host a holiday meal, dinner with family friends, or any number of December family social events. Whatever’s on your family dance card in the coming month, here's to helping our children learn to be gracious hosts and hostesses.

Foodie Friday

Perhaps it is the cooling weather or all the togetherness from hurricane Sandy (sending good wishes to our family and friends in NY and NJ), but whatever the reason, this modern mother has been on a cooking spree of late.  It may also be thanks to these new books enthusiastically recommended by friends.

The first,  Dinner a Love Story is a memoir, a primer,  a how-to and choc-a-bloc full of great time/life saving ideas.

Just when the modern mother had decided to avoid the below book, mostly because she did not think she could possibly stomach another book about how le French are better at food/child related anything, her friend called to tell her how  French Kids Eat Everything, has changed their dinner life.  How can one not recommend a life changing book?

Finally Deb Perelman, over at our beloved  Smitten Kitchen, has just come out with her book, titled, appropriately, The Smitten Kitchen Cookbook.  I haven't read it but, Christmas is coming...

Enjoy the weekend and if you can find the time, happy cooking. 

Dinnertime discourse for little people

It's always thrill to see a mannerly topic garner headlines, even if only in the “style” section. And so “Table Talk: The New Family Dinner” in Sunday’s New York Times was a welcome sight. The article describes the habits, conventions and rituals of family dinner conversations, cites examples from the childhoods of famous and/or highly successful people, including Johnathan Safran Foer, Amy Chua, Laurie David, and Rahm Emmanuel, and describes the Obama family “rose and thorn” ritual in which family members enumerate the high and low point of their day.

While some might find such family conversation strategies contrived, I was inspired. Would it be possible to use the “rose and thorn” trick to steer our family dinner conversation away from Star Wars, Captain Underpants, and Why can’t I go see the Hunger Games? Could we manage to banter about ethical conundrums? Geopolitics? Would heated discussions of current events propel my children into fame, fortune and politics as it in the Emmanuel family?  Hardly, yet it’s worth the effort. Guiding our children towards informed conversations means setting expectations about behavior, treating them with the civility and respect we hope they will show others, and teaching them about the larger world. Such family table talk is hardly “new” as the New York Times title suggest. It's just good manners.

Friday Frivolity- Mealtime Humor

Even for the mother who loves to cook, the daily dinner preparation can be a grind. That's probably why this funny e-card has been bouncing around facebook. Should you find yourself similarly distraught in the near future, perhaps consulting this list of lesser known food holidays might provide some mealtime inspiration. Sadly, crab-stuffed flounder day has passed, but there's still time to celebrate National Clam Chowder Day and National Pistachio Day. 

Have a happy weekend! 

Please Excuse the Brattling

After stumbling across That Should Be a Word, in the most recent New York Times magazine, a modern mother might feel a mixture of amusement, curiosity and chagrin. The column offers three neologisms: (1) brattle (to discuss one’s children at length), (2) spamily (Facebook or Twitter updates about kids) and (3) spawntourage (a group of approaching strollers). All these terms are admittedly funny. Who hasn’t had to pinch herself to stay awake through a fellow parent's enumeration of nap schedules and dietary preferences? Who hasn’t scrolled right by the Facebook photos of a college acquaintance’s children? Who hasn't felt pushed aside by multiple strollers spanning a narrow sidewalk?

The modern mother snickers, but she might also frown at the tinge of hostility towards children and families. Are there really people out there who roll their eyes at the sight of several strollers passing? Who are these anti-children people? Do they sit around in cafes smoking, writing screenplays, and snarling at passing infants? Do they wear berets? Trucker hats? Do they have bushy hipster beards? Do they all live in Manhattan? (Because, last we heard Brooklyn had been taken over by young families, come to think of it, Manhattan too.)

Whatever the authors of these neologisms are like, wherever they live, anti-child sentiments are not frequently visible in the suburban enclaves inhabited by this modern mother. Perhaps that's a good thing. Or possibly not.

Being cocooned in a child-centric culture just might leave many parents vulnerable to the impression that their darlings are universally adored and admired. Could it give modern parents the idea that it’s appropriate to bring children to any and all events? Does it leave some parents unaware of the possibility that the view of a toddler smearing his dinner across table linens might detract from another diner’s fine dining experience? Or worse.

Perhaps it is just such cluelessness that has incited any child-hostile sentiments lurking in the child-free majority. So, thank you, New York Times, for that little bit of humor and that small reality check to parents out there. Or at least the ones who have the time to read the Sunday magazine.

Mommy's feeding her broccoli to the dog. Why can't I?

Children are notoriously picky eaters. So, too, are some parents, according to a recent Wall Street Journal article, "No Age Limit on Picky Eating." Plain pasta, french fries, pizza, and cookies without nuts - is this the diet of a 5 year-old or a 35 year-old? The best quote from this story may be: "For reasons that aren't clear, almost all adult picky eaters like French fries and often chicken fingers, health experts say." Dear health experts, are the reasons really not clear? Maybe its because those foods are fatty, fried, salty and yes, sometimes, delicious? Don't forget that they're almost universally available in the U.S.

Modern mothers of picky eaters, don't despair! Your gentle authoress is one of the unmentioned majority of childhood picky eaters, having emerged from a childhood eating plain pasta, hotdogs, carrots, and cookies, to become an adult with an approximately normal diet. (Thanks, Mom!) Use this story as motivation to keep trying, fixing asparagus when the chances of your children eating it are almost non-existent, and helping your children stay relaxed and open to the possibility that someday, they may in fact like something new. Once your children are grown, one thing you don't want them to contend with is deflecting dinner invitations because of a fear of frisee.

Barbarians at the Plate

As discussed previously, passable table manners in children are not achieved without tremendous effort. Thus, when the well mannered modern mother is at last ready to introduce her little dears to the world of out-of-the-home dining the last thing she needs is the Visigoths charging into the Forum leaving a trail of carnage and destruction in their wake. In other words, as a delightfully well mannered friend recently asked 'What can you do when you have taken your generally well behaved children out to eat with another family only to discover that their progeny are not even acquainted with the basics of civilized dining?' While obviously making a mental note to “never do this again” the well mannered mother still needs to get through the next 45 minutes. Or not. In such a case the well mannered no-nonsense-mother has every right to give her own children two very clear warnings and at the third offense bundle them home (paying the bill whether her food has arrived or not) to a dinner of pb&j.

If she chooses to remain and fight the good fight she should focus on the basics - keeping her children seated and speaking at a reasonable volume. The exception, of course, is al fresco dining in which case they are welcome to play on the lawn before and after the meal arrives. Assuming there is no fresco and the other children are tearing around the restaurant, making inappropriate noises, throwing rolls, putting straws up their noses and quoting the Black Eyed Peas while the other mother is sipping her slow gin fizz studiously ignoring her terrific children – what then? In such a scenario the well mannered mother can hardly expect her children to be impervious to such wild temptation. Instead of shrieking like a Harpy or getting into it with her 'friend' the best a well mannered mother can probably do is quietly remind her children what is expected of them and point out that there are other people in the restaurant trying to have a nice dinner. The sirens’ call of dessert might also have some effect. Other than that, breathe, have a glass of prosecco and promise yourself you will never ever, ever go out to dinner with those children again. As for your own children, remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day and you should have them back in shape in a month or two.

Children of Pedestrian Tastes

Children are notoriously picky eaters. Perhaps that is why the “kids’ menu” was born. Chicken fingers, pasta, pizza, hot dogs. These pedestrian offerings may initially seem like a blessing since they provide sustenance to finicky children, while allowing their beleaguered parents to simultaneously enjoy a decent restaurant meal. Don’t be fooled. The kids’ menu quickly escalates into a vicious cycle where child claims to like only chicken fingers, pasta, pizza, hot dogs; child is offered only chicken fingers, pasta, pizza, hot dogs; so child subsists on diet limited to, yes, chicken fingers (with fries), hot dogs (with fries), pizza (with fries?) and pasta (with fries???). And we wonder why so many children "prefer" such a limited diet? After the millionth time the well mannered mother watches her child scarf down the hot dog and fries from the kids’ menu, rather than eat the roast chicken and rice he would happily enjoy if there were no kids’ menu, she may just want to rip that photocopied piece of paper to shreds. Or set it on fire. Or take the family to a restaurant that doesn’t offer a kids' menu. What a novel concept! Maybe, just maybe, that is what one well mannered mother will do.

The Child of Finicky Tastes

Children are notoriously picky eaters. Some are so selective that they seem to subsist exclusively on pasta, hot dogs, and bacon. Aside from the obvious nutritional deficiencies, this limited diet can become a problem when the child is a guest at Grandma’s Thanksgiving dinner, on a play date, or when the whole family is invited to a brunch that consists of quiche, whole wheat rolls, and salad. Confronted with the possibility that her child will touch no morsel of food at such an event, what is a well mannered mother to do? Does she relay her child’s whimpering request for “just a hot dog, please” to the hostess? No, a hostess is not a short-order cook. Does she drop all adult conversation so she can plead loudly and persistently with her child to “please, please just eat one bite?” No, because she is compassionate to her adult companions. Given that the persnickety child may be enjoying the limelight as he turns up his nose at various culinary delights, the well mannered mother is careful not to encourage complaining. She may shrug her shoulders and say, “oh well, you might want to eat some of this delicious quiche when you are hungrier,” and return to the adult conversation. Or, she may say, “If you don’t like it now, you might want to try it when you are older, since your taste buds change, and as you get older, you might find you like new things,” and thus give the child the opportunity to change his mind, while “saving face.” And in some cases, she may watch her child eat a pat of butter for lunch, secure in the knowledge that it could possibly have more nutritional value than your average Happy Meal. The wise well mannered mother will of course keep a stash of snacks in the car so she won’t have to resort to the Happy Meal on the way home.

A Child of Refined Tastes

Children are notoriously picky eaters. Perhaps that is why some parents can’t rave enough about their child’s unusual tastes. “Oh she just loves sashimi.” Or, “we really prefer to snack on dried nori – he just can’t get enough of it!” accompanied by a knowing shake of the head. When did food become an arena for competition? Maybe at the same time it became fashionable for parents to know the provenance of their pork chops and to buy varietal chocolate. But why? And more importantly, what’s a well mannered mother to do about this bragging? Should she disparage the food in question and reply, “But aren’t you concerned about the high mercury levels in all that fish?” Or counter “Oh well, my child really prefers Nigiri Sushi.” Of course not. She should avoid one-upmanship and contests of "food correctness." This leaves few alternatives but to nod appreciatively, mumble something about how “interesting” that is, and move the conversation forward with a change of subject. After all, she knows that though her son may currently be sucking down wilted dandelion greens with sherry vinegar like they're spun sugar, tomorrow night may be a different story entirely.

Hostess Gifts

Being invited to a friend's house for a party or dinner is a treat in these busy times. Perhaps it is for this reason that guests have taken to giving such unique hostess gifts. It could be the economic downturn or the easy availability of cheap goods made in China driving this trend. Hostess gifts we have heard of recently and can not recommend are: a set of elf bowling pins, massage oil and a singing bass (Christmas edition). In each case "you shouldn't have" could not be more true. According to those who know, a guest is under no obligation to take anything at all and often a nice smile and pleasant conversation is more welcome than any knickknack. If she feels compelled to take her hostess something, the well mannered mother is best off turning up with a consumable such as wine, champagne, the hard stuff, cocktail napkins, chocolate, candles, soap or flowers. The goal here is to give the hostess something useful and tasteful (nix the Santa toilet paper) that will not end up in a rummage sale or land fill.

Table Manners

The well mannered modern mother is bemused when people tell her that her children have “nice table manners” in a voice suggesting that she is somehow “lucky.” She is not lucky. She has suffered thousands of excruciating meals with her young barbarians day after day and night after night. Even the most adoring and indulgent parent must admit that eating with a four year-old is vile. Yet, with the long term goal of civilized eaters; the well mannered mother persists hoping that some day her child will remember to put his napkin on his lap, use the proper utensils, chew with his mouth closed, sit up straight and ask to be excused at the end of the meal. She reminds herself that nagging, yelling and eating in front of the television will not improve the outcome. Yet, even the most well mannered among us can not live like that all the time. She knows there is a place for the occasional respite of popcorn and a movie for dinner (that's right not a vegetable in sight!). After all, the well mannered modern mother is not a masochist. So she beats on against the tide optimistically dreaming of a time when a family meal will be a pleasant, leisurely and seated event. And perhaps, some day, it will.

Entertaining

In these hectic times it can be challenging to find time for adult entertaining. However, the well-mannered mother knows that it is important to keep up with friends and teach her children that parents have social lives separate from their children. Try an evening out at a restaurant with friends, a cocktail party, or a dinner party. Not to be confused with a family cookout, the dinner party remains a diverting and cost-effective form of adults-only entertaining. Invite 4 to 8 of your adult friends to your house for dinner. If your children are young, they should be fed, bathed and ready for bed before the guests arrive. They may then appear to meet and greet the guests during the cocktail hour. Older children who can bathe and go to bed themselves may also want to visit briefly during cocktails. Before the first course is served, however, children should be removed from the adult company to go to bed, play or read in their rooms, watch a movie, or lie at the top of the stairs, listening to the chatter of the adults downstairs.