Holiday hosting, family style

As a blog focusing on the intersection between parenting, manners, and modern mores, we have posted on many topics related to mealtime manners. We’ve taken on table manners, table talk, and the hazards of restaurant dining. We've also explored the perils and pleasures of dinner parties and being a hostess onself. However, we have not yet considered teaching one’s children to becomes well mannered hosts and hostesses of a family dinner gathering.

K.J. Dell’Antonia does just that in her recent post “The Youngest Thanksgiving Hosts” on the Motherlode blog. She shows how delegating small tasks can lead to a greater sense of ownership for a family social event, helping children evolve into competent hosts and hostesses. Hosts in the truest sense of the word, attuned more to the comfort of their guests, than making sure everyone uses the correct fork for their dessert.

Though Ms.Dell’Antonia's post reflects on the already past Thanksgiving meal, its worth reading and thought, especially for all those modern mothers who will host a holiday meal, dinner with family friends, or any number of December family social events. Whatever’s on your family dance card in the coming month, here's to helping our children learn to be gracious hosts and hostesses.

Foodie Friday

Perhaps it is the cooling weather or all the togetherness from hurricane Sandy (sending good wishes to our family and friends in NY and NJ), but whatever the reason, this modern mother has been on a cooking spree of late.  It may also be thanks to these new books enthusiastically recommended by friends.

The first,  Dinner a Love Story is a memoir, a primer,  a how-to and choc-a-bloc full of great time/life saving ideas.

Just when the modern mother had decided to avoid the below book, mostly because she did not think she could possibly stomach another book about how le French are better at food/child related anything, her friend called to tell her how  French Kids Eat Everything, has changed their dinner life.  How can one not recommend a life changing book?

Finally Deb Perelman, over at our beloved  Smitten Kitchen, has just come out with her book, titled, appropriately, The Smitten Kitchen Cookbook.  I haven't read it but, Christmas is coming...

Enjoy the weekend and if you can find the time, happy cooking. 

Quote of the Week

A mannerly friend forwarded this wonderful quote to us last week.  Where did she get it?  From her own mannerly mother of course!

image courtesy of WallyHood.org

Emily Post wrote in 1922 that “One who possesses truly fine manners has more than mere beauty; she has infinite charm. She is so well born that she is charming to everyone. Her manner to a Duke who happens to be staying in the house is not a bit more courteous than her manner to the kitchen maid who she chances to meet in the gardens” 

Manners are merely tools to help us live a code (of kindness and consideration). Beneath its myriad rules, the fundamental purpose of etiquette is to make the world a pleasanter place and you a more pleasant person. First, they smooth the paths between us and other people, to establish a pleasant relationship from the first – that’s why introductions, “pleases” and “Thank yous” are so important. Second, knowing the guidelines of good manners gives us self- confidence. We are more comfortable if we know what to do. And Third, manners make us more attractive people. A dinner guest who engages in animated conversation with asparagus spears protruding from his mouth isn’t very attractive. And who doesn’t want to look better in the eyes of others? 

“The purpose of manners is to make the other person comfortable with you, to establish rapport so the person is happy about being with you. ”As Professor Henry Higgins put it in Pygmalion, “The great secret is not having bad manners or good manners, but having the same manners for all human souls” 

Authors Unknown

February Give Away - Parenting like the French

Happy Monday.  Did you see the piece in the WSJ this weekend titled Why French Parents are Superior?  There is a book coming out this week called Bringing Up Bebe, One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting.  We think it looks like a fun read.

Sign up to follow us on Google by Friday, February 10th (just click the Google Friend Connect button on the lower right side of our site - it looks like the picture below)

and you will be entered to win a free copy of the book!  The winner will be posted next Monday.

Friday Frivolity: Richard Scarry's Classic Manners Book

We doubt our readers need much advice about teaching manners to their children, but nevertheless, we would like to celebrate a sweet little book that does precisely that. Richard Scarry's Please and Thank You Bookteaches even the youngest children good manners by showing them. Huckle the Cat asks to be excused after a meal and remembers to help clear the table. Lowly worm says "Thank you for a very a very nice time" when leaving a birthday party. Pig Won't spends a boring day by himself because he won't help his father in the boatyard and later learns that helping out can be rewarding and fun. Just like reading this book.

Barbarians at the Plate

As discussed previously, passable table manners in children are not achieved without tremendous effort. Thus, when the well mannered modern mother is at last ready to introduce her little dears to the world of out-of-the-home dining the last thing she needs is the Visigoths charging into the Forum leaving a trail of carnage and destruction in their wake. In other words, as a delightfully well mannered friend recently asked 'What can you do when you have taken your generally well behaved children out to eat with another family only to discover that their progeny are not even acquainted with the basics of civilized dining?' While obviously making a mental note to “never do this again” the well mannered mother still needs to get through the next 45 minutes. Or not. In such a case the well mannered no-nonsense-mother has every right to give her own children two very clear warnings and at the third offense bundle them home (paying the bill whether her food has arrived or not) to a dinner of pb&j.

If she chooses to remain and fight the good fight she should focus on the basics - keeping her children seated and speaking at a reasonable volume. The exception, of course, is al fresco dining in which case they are welcome to play on the lawn before and after the meal arrives. Assuming there is no fresco and the other children are tearing around the restaurant, making inappropriate noises, throwing rolls, putting straws up their noses and quoting the Black Eyed Peas while the other mother is sipping her slow gin fizz studiously ignoring her terrific children – what then? In such a scenario the well mannered mother can hardly expect her children to be impervious to such wild temptation. Instead of shrieking like a Harpy or getting into it with her 'friend' the best a well mannered mother can probably do is quietly remind her children what is expected of them and point out that there are other people in the restaurant trying to have a nice dinner. The sirens’ call of dessert might also have some effect. Other than that, breathe, have a glass of prosecco and promise yourself you will never ever, ever go out to dinner with those children again. As for your own children, remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day and you should have them back in shape in a month or two.

Children of Pedestrian Tastes

Children are notoriously picky eaters. Perhaps that is why the “kids’ menu” was born. Chicken fingers, pasta, pizza, hot dogs. These pedestrian offerings may initially seem like a blessing since they provide sustenance to finicky children, while allowing their beleaguered parents to simultaneously enjoy a decent restaurant meal. Don’t be fooled. The kids’ menu quickly escalates into a vicious cycle where child claims to like only chicken fingers, pasta, pizza, hot dogs; child is offered only chicken fingers, pasta, pizza, hot dogs; so child subsists on diet limited to, yes, chicken fingers (with fries), hot dogs (with fries), pizza (with fries?) and pasta (with fries???). And we wonder why so many children "prefer" such a limited diet? After the millionth time the well mannered mother watches her child scarf down the hot dog and fries from the kids’ menu, rather than eat the roast chicken and rice he would happily enjoy if there were no kids’ menu, she may just want to rip that photocopied piece of paper to shreds. Or set it on fire. Or take the family to a restaurant that doesn’t offer a kids' menu. What a novel concept! Maybe, just maybe, that is what one well mannered mother will do.

Over the river...

… and through the woods to Grandmother’s house we go. Oh no! Now that the modern mother has finished being "crazy busy," taken off her spandex and put on her best foundation wear it is time for the truly trying test of all well mannered mothers: the trip to the in-law's house. Despite the many potential pitfalls and tensions, the well-mannered mother tries to maintain a congenial relationship with her husband's family. For some, this might mean cajoling her children to don the “adorable” (and itchy) lederhosen that Granny brought back from Germany. For others, this might mean easing up on the “no processed foods” rule so Grandpa can whip up his signature scrapple and Velveeta egg breakfast. For most, fostering this relationship will likely involve shared dining, excessive table manners, reminding children to speak politely and thank you notes. While this can be irritating and exhausting, the well mannered daughter-in-law remembers that this will pass, her in-laws mean well (usually) and if she is fortunate, she will someday be someone’s mother-in-law.

Table Manners

The well mannered modern mother is bemused when people tell her that her children have “nice table manners” in a voice suggesting that she is somehow “lucky.” She is not lucky. She has suffered thousands of excruciating meals with her young barbarians day after day and night after night. Even the most adoring and indulgent parent must admit that eating with a four year-old is vile. Yet, with the long term goal of civilized eaters; the well mannered mother persists hoping that some day her child will remember to put his napkin on his lap, use the proper utensils, chew with his mouth closed, sit up straight and ask to be excused at the end of the meal. She reminds herself that nagging, yelling and eating in front of the television will not improve the outcome. Yet, even the most well mannered among us can not live like that all the time. She knows there is a place for the occasional respite of popcorn and a movie for dinner (that's right not a vegetable in sight!). After all, the well mannered modern mother is not a masochist. So she beats on against the tide optimistically dreaming of a time when a family meal will be a pleasant, leisurely and seated event. And perhaps, some day, it will.