I Have Fifty, Do I Hear One Hundred?

With school auction season upon us, we thought this old piece seemed particularly apropos.

Going, Going, Gone!
Reprinted, with permission, from March 22, 2011

Should the conversation begin to lag when you are talking to the mother of school-age children, one  sure way to avoid an awkward pause is to bring up school auctions.  A polite inquiry such as “Does your child’s school have an auction?” is usually good for upwards of 20 minutes.   In this time she will regale you with tales of the time she chaired/contributed to/attended the XYZ school auction and the horror or hysteria that ensued.  It is hard to pinpoint what exactly makes school auctions so fraught with peril but it undoubtedly has something to do with the combination of alcohol, competition, money and ego.  While we cannot, in good conscience, suggest the well mannered  mother avoid these gatherings entirely – after all they are for a good cause – she might want to follow some basic guidelines.

Pre-auction: if volunteering, show up when you said you would and do what you agreed to (see Committees).   It is also best not to voice your opposition or displeasure too loudly or you might end up chairing the event next year.  Additionally, have a strategy worked out with your spouse/date of how much you want to donate that night.  A “safe word” to stop your spouse or yourself in the heat of the bidding frenzy is also recommended.

During the auction: keep your wits about you and alternate between the hard stuff and a glass of seltzer to insure lucidity.  Eat something. Socialize, don’t crowd the bidding tables.  Remember, to the victor goes the spoils.  While you may feel good about it at the moment, do you really want those two weeks in Hilton Head or the taco party for 30?  Keep it friendly, this is for a good cause.  If you win wonderful.   If not, just think, the school gets more and you get to keep yours.  So really, in a way, you did win.

Post-auction: get in touch with the kind people who donated whatever it is you purchased as quickly as possible to agree on delivery.  Never complain or imply you overpaid.  Do not gossip - it is gauche to discuss who spent how much or who outbid his own bid three times.

Finally, the well mannered modern mother knows that while these events may be like a Prom with gasoline, alcohol and money thrown in, the best thing she can do is remain polite and adult about it all.  Thus avoiding incriminating photos of herself on Facebook the next morning.

Last week - Oh My.

What a week it was for the modern mother.  It began with the loss of a child's two adult teeth in a freak Saturday-night-ice cream-dance-kitchen-accident.   Dental surgery is really no way to spend a Monday.  For modern child or mother.  Thank heaven all is well.

If only... 

Maybe this sort of experience is why The Juggle wrote Why Parents Make Awesome Managers. 

Did you see the article in Vogue about a 7-year-old's weight?  It even made the NY Times Sunday Style section this weekend.  Controversy or brilliant publishing coup?  You decide.

 Is Wednesday really three times as long as every other day of the week?  Or is it just in our town where all grade school students are dismissed at noon?  That's right.  Every Wednesday.  Noon dismissal.   

A mannerly friend assures us that the reason for such a wacky week was that the Moon, Jupiter and Venus were meeting in a celestial rendezvous.

Thursday was certainly a bit out there having decided to explore a Reiki/Reflexology foot massage and total life healing (apparently) treatment as found via social shopping/daily deal.  Now we're not saying it wasn't interesting and relaxing.  The modern mother has no idea how she has survived all these years without knowing about her chakras. 

 Friday, ah Friday.  The relaxing end of the week.  Except for the "concussion watch" going on  because the modern son decided to impale himself at a friend's house Thursday evening.  Again - thank goodness, all is well.

If it were not for the arrival of a package from Amazon containing the most fantastic product ever, at least if your glasses and silverware were looking like ours, the week might have been a complete bust.   To make a secret of it no longer, this miracle product  is called  Lemi Shine.  And this modern family could not be more astounded and pleased.  Sometimes, it's the little things.

Here's to a better week for all.  Happy Monday!

Image from momaroo

School Pick Up or Sartrian Cocktail Party

The well mannered mother may vaguely remember earnest, angst ridden young men in cafes drinking espresso, smoking Gauloise and discussing Sartre.  The details are unimportant.   She might even remember reading Sartre's existentialist play No Exit.  And she just might, years later, find her mind flitting back to that play one clear cold afternoon as she stands waiting for her children to emerge from school.

For her children's school has what some laughingly call: cocktail party pick up.  Which is to say, there is no car line, or bus.  The parents (mostly mothers) either walk or drive and park to collect their offspring.  Of course in any clear thinking decade prior to our own the children would have been released and transported themselves home.  But that is another topic for another day.  {In the meantime visit Free Range Kids for a bit of parenting perspective.}  

Back to the modern mother at her cocktail party pick up.  It's delightful, friendly faces everywhere, people mingling and chatting about the upcoming symposium on hand holding.  Some cheery souls flitting from group to group - what a wonderful sense of community.  Or is it?  On occasion, of course.  Mostly she finds it very nice to see friends, neighbors. 

But she might have a day when she does not want to talk to anyone.  So she stands a little farther away and watches.  She might notice the other people standing back; is it a choice or do they not yet have a strong social network?  She might watch the body language of others as they move through the crowd smiling, waving, ignoring.  She might find it interesting how a group reacts when a newcomer arrives. 

The modern mother might wonder for a moment, how far she herself has come from her own school days.  Has she really studied, worked, traveled and endured raising small children to end up back in a school yard watching an awkward social structure at work? 

Of course not.  The modern mother has many more important things to think about.  Such as when is the next real cocktail party and how lucky she is to have not ended up with some Gauloise smoking, pseudo-intellectual. 

And hooray.  Her potentially mannerly children have arrived and they are off on the next adventure. 

Keeping the Peril out of Potlucks

The timeless and inelegant potluck dinner does not come naturally to everybody. Sophisticated urbanites might frown at the sight of 3 competing bean salads on the same table; Persons of sensitive palate might shudder at the thought of hummus served alongside lasagna; Germ-phobes might clutch their sides imagining the potential viral load of so many co-mingling dishes. Yes, a modern mother can be forgiven for imagining that the potluck supper falls firmly in the territory of graduate students, subscribers of Good Housekeeping, and anyone who likes to make casseroles requiring Campbell’s condensed soup. And yet, the potluck remains a surprisingly enjoyable staple of many parenting circles, so we would like to offer a few thoughts on “best practices” for this most unusual of parties.

(1) Aside from the obvious admonition to R.S.V.P. and give the hostess a vague idea of what you would like to contribute (appetizer, side dish, etc.), it just doesn’t matter what you bring. If you say you’ll bring dessert, make some brownies, buy a cake, whatever. Even if you take the time to bake your grandmother’s famous cherry pie, chances are, it may end up with the serving utensil from the orzo salad stuck into it, so don't knock yourself out. Its about the company, not the food.

(2) Bring your contribution in a dish ready to serve, with the appropriate utensil to serve it. You don’t want to spend the party searching for the hostess to ask for a utensil, or worse searching her kitchen yourself – she might be busy searching for the punch bowl she never uses, or even swilling a glass of Prosecco and enjoying herself.

(3) When the party is done, pack your dish and utensil and take them home, as is. An old tote bag, a plastic grocery sack, whatever you brought your dish in, should suffice. If you feel the hostess might like the left-overs, gently inquire about her preference, "I would love to wrap these up for your fridge, or would it be easier if I just took them home?" Our guess is that sparing the hostess of washing the dish and tracking you down to return it might just be the best hostess gift you could offer her.

In no time at all, the modern mother will be navigating the potluck with ease, and probably even enjoy herself. She is under no obligation, however, to follow up by donning a hair net and apron, taking up crochet, or joining a quilter's circle. Even ironically.

Going, Going, Gone!

Should the conversation begin to lag when you are talking to the mother of school-age children one of the surest ways to avoid an awkward pause is to bring up school auctions. A polite inquiry such as “Does your child’s school have an auction?” is usually good for upwards of 20 minutes. In this time she will regale you with tales of the time she chaired/contributed to/attended the XYZ school auction and the horror or hysteria that ensued. It is hard to pinpoint what exactly makes school auctions so fraught with peril but it undoubtedly has something to do with the combination of alcohol, competition, money and ego. While we cannot, in good conscience, suggest the well mannered modern mother avoid these gatherings entirely – after all they are for a great cause – she might want to follow these basic guidelines. Pre-auction: if volunteering, show up when you said you would and do what you agreed to (see Committees). It is also best not to voice your opposition or displeasure too loudly or you might end up chairing the event next year. Additionally, have a strategy worked out with your spouse/date of how much you want to donate that night. A “safe word” to stop your spouse or yourself in the heat of the bidding frenzy is also recommended. During the auction: keep your wits about you and alternate between the hard stuff and a glass of seltzer to insure lucidity. Eat something. Socialize, don’t crowd the bidding tables. Remember, to the victor goes the spoils. While you may feel good about it at the moment, do you really want those two weeks in Hilton Head or the taco party for 30? Keep it friendly, this is for a good cause. If you win wonderful. If not, just think, the school gets more and you get to keep yours. So really, in a way, you did win. Post-auction: get in touch with the kind people who donated whatever it is you purchased as quickly as possible to agree on delivery. Never complain or imply you overpaid. Do not gossip - it is gauche to discuss who spent how much or who outbid his own bid three times. Finally, the well mannered modern mother knows that while these events may be like a Prom with gasoline, alcohol and money thrown in, the best thing she can do is remain polite and adult about it all. And thus avoid incriminating photos of herself on facebook the next morning.

Hostess Gifts

Being invited to a friend's house for a party or dinner is a treat in these busy times. Perhaps it is for this reason that guests have taken to giving such unique hostess gifts. It could be the economic downturn or the easy availability of cheap goods made in China driving this trend. Hostess gifts we have heard of recently and can not recommend are: a set of elf bowling pins, massage oil and a singing bass (Christmas edition). In each case "you shouldn't have" could not be more true. According to those who know, a guest is under no obligation to take anything at all and often a nice smile and pleasant conversation is more welcome than any knickknack. If she feels compelled to take her hostess something, the well mannered mother is best off turning up with a consumable such as wine, champagne, the hard stuff, cocktail napkins, chocolate, candles, soap or flowers. The goal here is to give the hostess something useful and tasteful (nix the Santa toilet paper) that will not end up in a rummage sale or land fill.

Trunk Shows

A trunk show is a retail event hosted by a friend or acquaintance at her home disguised as a social gathering. The naive and uninitiated mother will discover after her second glass of Chardonnay that she cannot reasonably leave this “party” without spending more money than she wanted to on things she will rarely use, wear, or put on her children. Naturally, there are exceptions. Smocked clothing springs to mind. Kitchen wares, jewelry, beauty products, hand bags, cleansers and lotions do not. Often the cute invitation will say “no need to shop - please stop by for a glass of wine and a nibble” or something friendly and harmless. The well informed mother should know that while her friend may genuinely mean this, the vendor behind the trunk show is banking on the fact that nice ladies might feel a certain amount of pressure to purchase something, anything, once in a friend’s home. Even some free range angora. While everyone likes to be invited to events, the well mannered modern mother should, upon receiving an invitation to such a gathering, check out the product on line and determine whether she has a desire or need for it. If not, a timely and polite response such as “So sorry to miss all the fun!” will suffice. Additionally, the kindly mother who is feeling pressured by someone she knows to host such an event and invite her friends should think long and hard about whether this is a product she is comfortable endorsing. Finally the modern mother who wishes to get her friends together should buy her own invitations and invite them over for drinks and nibbles just for the heck of it. After all, who has ever heard of anyone declining a party invitation because there wasn’t going to be any shopping there?

Entertaining

In these hectic times it can be challenging to find time for adult entertaining. However, the well-mannered mother knows that it is important to keep up with friends and teach her children that parents have social lives separate from their children. Try an evening out at a restaurant with friends, a cocktail party, or a dinner party. Not to be confused with a family cookout, the dinner party remains a diverting and cost-effective form of adults-only entertaining. Invite 4 to 8 of your adult friends to your house for dinner. If your children are young, they should be fed, bathed and ready for bed before the guests arrive. They may then appear to meet and greet the guests during the cocktail hour. Older children who can bathe and go to bed themselves may also want to visit briefly during cocktails. Before the first course is served, however, children should be removed from the adult company to go to bed, play or read in their rooms, watch a movie, or lie at the top of the stairs, listening to the chatter of the adults downstairs.

Cocktails, the importance of

It is never too early for the well-mannered modern parents to instill in their children a profound respect for the sanctity of the cocktail hour. This is the beginning of the adult portion of the day and well-mannered children are welcome to the extent that they can behave appropriately. This means sipping their beverage politely, passing hors d’ouvers, not mixing up the cheese knives and leaving some shrimp cocktail for the adults. Astute children realize that this is when adults “talk about things” and if they stay quiet and listen they may learn some pretty juicy stuff.