I Have Fifty, Do I Hear One Hundred?

With school auction season upon us, we thought this old piece seemed particularly apropos.

Going, Going, Gone!
Reprinted, with permission, from March 22, 2011

Should the conversation begin to lag when you are talking to the mother of school-age children, one  sure way to avoid an awkward pause is to bring up school auctions.  A polite inquiry such as “Does your child’s school have an auction?” is usually good for upwards of 20 minutes.   In this time she will regale you with tales of the time she chaired/contributed to/attended the XYZ school auction and the horror or hysteria that ensued.  It is hard to pinpoint what exactly makes school auctions so fraught with peril but it undoubtedly has something to do with the combination of alcohol, competition, money and ego.  While we cannot, in good conscience, suggest the well mannered  mother avoid these gatherings entirely – after all they are for a good cause – she might want to follow some basic guidelines.

Pre-auction: if volunteering, show up when you said you would and do what you agreed to (see Committees).   It is also best not to voice your opposition or displeasure too loudly or you might end up chairing the event next year.  Additionally, have a strategy worked out with your spouse/date of how much you want to donate that night.  A “safe word” to stop your spouse or yourself in the heat of the bidding frenzy is also recommended.

During the auction: keep your wits about you and alternate between the hard stuff and a glass of seltzer to insure lucidity.  Eat something. Socialize, don’t crowd the bidding tables.  Remember, to the victor goes the spoils.  While you may feel good about it at the moment, do you really want those two weeks in Hilton Head or the taco party for 30?  Keep it friendly, this is for a good cause.  If you win wonderful.   If not, just think, the school gets more and you get to keep yours.  So really, in a way, you did win.

Post-auction: get in touch with the kind people who donated whatever it is you purchased as quickly as possible to agree on delivery.  Never complain or imply you overpaid.  Do not gossip - it is gauche to discuss who spent how much or who outbid his own bid three times.

Finally, the well mannered modern mother knows that while these events may be like a Prom with gasoline, alcohol and money thrown in, the best thing she can do is remain polite and adult about it all.  Thus avoiding incriminating photos of herself on Facebook the next morning.

Happy New Year & New World

Image from Lawrence Miller Galleries

 It was a sad season, this past holiday and for that reason I couldn't wait to pack up the tree and assorted swag on January 1st.  It has all been stashed away with hopes for a better tomorrow.  This is one reason you haven't heard from us much lately -  since we tend to be a light-hearted blog (in our ironic sort of way) we just didn't seem to have much to say.  That and in light of so much sadness in the world - does it really matter if Sally calls you Mrs. Smith or "Hey you?"  What's really important is that Sally is around to yell at you at all. 

Another reason this humble correspondent hasn't had much to say lately is due to something going on locally.  A few weeks back all fourth grade parents in our town received an email telling us about a proposed curriculum change.  Starting in September it will be mandatory that all 5th graders in our town's seven elementary schools have their own iPads.  This will be a partnership (that means families need to buy the iPads unless need is demonstrated) and the children are to use these "educational tools" in the classroom and at home.  My extensive thoughts on this can be found over at TheSwellesleyReport.  Suffice to say, I find it all a bit concerning and the arguments in favor less than convincing.

 Image from Wired.co.uk

There was a presentation last night and the parents of the children in the pilot program were most enthusiastic.  They love it and thought it added much to the classroom and helped prepare them for middle school.  Children were able to (among other things) build their own websites, create their ideal societies and present them to peers via video - sounds great.  But is this compelling enough to mandate families purchase iPads for ten year olds?  Moreover, I was disappointed by the response to the parents who raised concerns.  Essentially the response was 'this is already happening, kids use iPads for games - we will teach them to use them as tools, this is the world today, other towns are doing it, this will close the digital gap,  you should get on board.'  There was very little discussion about the rightness of giving ten year olds these devices or the merits of 1:1 screen education vs. collaborative learning. Well, here's hoping I am wrong and it is a brilliant success.

More and more, these days, this modern mother finds herself feeling like a salmon swimming up stream.   Then again, does any of it really matter as long as the children are safe in school?

"Your Five Year Old: Sunny and Serene"

Sometime, on a freezing morning in January, a well mannered mother might find herself in the middle of a standoff in front of an elementary school. One participant might be a five year old who recently ran screaming through the halls “There is a substitute in there! I am not going to any classroom with a substitute!” The other participant might be the kind and patient Principal of the school who probably has about 382 other things she could be doing at that particular moment including going inside to get warm. So. You ask yourself, “What is the well mannered mother to do?” Clearly, physical violence is out. Same with threats and bribes. If she chases him he will run home. (So much for “walk to school” being a desirable attribute when selecting a house). Plus it would be undignified. But really, she probably passed dignified about 15 minutes ago. Around that time the Principal might kindly offer the advice that ‘He should not be allowed to think going to school is a choice.” How wise. How true. ‘How the hell am I going to get him back in the building?' The well mannered mother might be thinking. Eventually, the Principal might decide she is dealing with a hopeless case and head back inside. At that point the mother may scoop her darling boy up in her arms and carry him to the front door of the school, humming gently to block out all the noise. The lovely school nurse might open the door for him and say, “Hello! All your friends are wondering where you are. Will you walk down to the kindergarten with me? “ He may give the nurse a winning smile, take her hand and walk down the hall chatting politely as if the last half hour had never happened. At this point the well mannered modern mother should take a deep breath, and turn her mind to the rest of her day, knowing she did the best she could and that her son will be just fine.