I Have Fifty, Do I Hear One Hundred?

With school auction season upon us, we thought this old piece seemed particularly apropos.

Going, Going, Gone!
Reprinted, with permission, from March 22, 2011

Should the conversation begin to lag when you are talking to the mother of school-age children, one  sure way to avoid an awkward pause is to bring up school auctions.  A polite inquiry such as “Does your child’s school have an auction?” is usually good for upwards of 20 minutes.   In this time she will regale you with tales of the time she chaired/contributed to/attended the XYZ school auction and the horror or hysteria that ensued.  It is hard to pinpoint what exactly makes school auctions so fraught with peril but it undoubtedly has something to do with the combination of alcohol, competition, money and ego.  While we cannot, in good conscience, suggest the well mannered  mother avoid these gatherings entirely – after all they are for a good cause – she might want to follow some basic guidelines.

Pre-auction: if volunteering, show up when you said you would and do what you agreed to (see Committees).   It is also best not to voice your opposition or displeasure too loudly or you might end up chairing the event next year.  Additionally, have a strategy worked out with your spouse/date of how much you want to donate that night.  A “safe word” to stop your spouse or yourself in the heat of the bidding frenzy is also recommended.

During the auction: keep your wits about you and alternate between the hard stuff and a glass of seltzer to insure lucidity.  Eat something. Socialize, don’t crowd the bidding tables.  Remember, to the victor goes the spoils.  While you may feel good about it at the moment, do you really want those two weeks in Hilton Head or the taco party for 30?  Keep it friendly, this is for a good cause.  If you win wonderful.   If not, just think, the school gets more and you get to keep yours.  So really, in a way, you did win.

Post-auction: get in touch with the kind people who donated whatever it is you purchased as quickly as possible to agree on delivery.  Never complain or imply you overpaid.  Do not gossip - it is gauche to discuss who spent how much or who outbid his own bid three times.

Finally, the well mannered modern mother knows that while these events may be like a Prom with gasoline, alcohol and money thrown in, the best thing she can do is remain polite and adult about it all.  Thus avoiding incriminating photos of herself on Facebook the next morning.

Post-Corporate Mom Syndrome

Most modern mothers have all been there, in the volunteer committee meeting, where someone chimes in with, "The volunteer scheduling is an orthogonal issue here, let’s focus on truly impactful ways to communicate the book fair to our families." Or we've heard, "Net-net, auction profits are our best KPI (key performance indicator), so we should aim to grow profits by 50%." Maybe we’ve even heard something along the lines of, "Let’s circle back to the appetizer menu later and move on to the next action item: napkins. Cocktail size? Dinner size?"

But, why?  Why pepper a conversation about a small school fundraiser or community event with language from an aspiring MBA study group? Why let such atrocious corporate speak creep into everyday exchanges? Are we trying to invoke past achievements? Trying to pretend we’re all back at work? Are some of us suffering from some type of post-corporate mom syndrome? 

Yes, many of us might be guilty of tacking a “Please advise.” on the end of an email to a friend collaborating on a class potluck. (It's faster than tapping out "Let me know what you think" on an iphone, after all.) Yet, let us all attempt to be less affected, less focused in false indicators of accomplishment. Let us aim to be authentic, direct, more human. 

In the end, while the well mannered mother might wince at corporate speak in the school-volunteer setting, there are times when she may be grateful for the common sense underlying it; like when a post-corporate mother keeps the discussion moving by suggesting,  “Let’s take this discussion offline and move on to the next agenda item.” 

Committees

If and when the modern mother chooses to leave the paying workforce she will eventually be asked to participate in a myriad of "volunteer" activities. Some modern mothers pick one or two causes in which they have a true interest. Others collect committee and board memberships like guard rings. No matter how many good efforts the well mannered mother supports, she knows how to manage these commitments. She shows up on time, does what she says she will do when she says she will do it, keeps meetings efficient (this can mean learning how to politely shut someone up), and ends the meeting on time.

Initially, when just starting out in the fascinating world of unpaid work, it is quite flattering to be asked to be on a committee or take a leadership role on volunteer projects. It is essential that the well mannered mother stop and reflect before saying yes to these requests. Our favorite well mannered response when asked to do anything is “Thank you. I am so flattered that you thought of me. Please let me consider this tonight and I will get back to you tomorrow morning.” This gives the well mannered mother time to consider how and if this commitment fits into her already busy life. Of course she must then respond to the requestor as early as possible the following morning. The well mannered mother never leaves someone hanging - it is tacky.

Yet if the well mannered mother discovers she has, despite her best due diligence, accepted a place on a half-baked committee she must immediately call the chair person and say something like “Now that I have a better sense of the scope of this project I am afraid I have over committed myself and think it best that I withdraw at this point.” The last thing any mother needs in these hectic times are a bunch of disorganized people wasting her time. Working on a well run committee is an excellent way for a modern mother to keep her mind and resume sharp while giving back to the community. And last but not least, for the fashion conscious well mannered modern mother, committee work is an excellent excuse to dress up a bit and look slightly corporate. Think Mad Men.