I Have Fifty, Do I Hear One Hundred?

With school auction season upon us, we thought this old piece seemed particularly apropos.

Going, Going, Gone!
Reprinted, with permission, from March 22, 2011

Should the conversation begin to lag when you are talking to the mother of school-age children, one  sure way to avoid an awkward pause is to bring up school auctions.  A polite inquiry such as “Does your child’s school have an auction?” is usually good for upwards of 20 minutes.   In this time she will regale you with tales of the time she chaired/contributed to/attended the XYZ school auction and the horror or hysteria that ensued.  It is hard to pinpoint what exactly makes school auctions so fraught with peril but it undoubtedly has something to do with the combination of alcohol, competition, money and ego.  While we cannot, in good conscience, suggest the well mannered  mother avoid these gatherings entirely – after all they are for a good cause – she might want to follow some basic guidelines.

Pre-auction: if volunteering, show up when you said you would and do what you agreed to (see Committees).   It is also best not to voice your opposition or displeasure too loudly or you might end up chairing the event next year.  Additionally, have a strategy worked out with your spouse/date of how much you want to donate that night.  A “safe word” to stop your spouse or yourself in the heat of the bidding frenzy is also recommended.

During the auction: keep your wits about you and alternate between the hard stuff and a glass of seltzer to insure lucidity.  Eat something. Socialize, don’t crowd the bidding tables.  Remember, to the victor goes the spoils.  While you may feel good about it at the moment, do you really want those two weeks in Hilton Head or the taco party for 30?  Keep it friendly, this is for a good cause.  If you win wonderful.   If not, just think, the school gets more and you get to keep yours.  So really, in a way, you did win.

Post-auction: get in touch with the kind people who donated whatever it is you purchased as quickly as possible to agree on delivery.  Never complain or imply you overpaid.  Do not gossip - it is gauche to discuss who spent how much or who outbid his own bid three times.

Finally, the well mannered modern mother knows that while these events may be like a Prom with gasoline, alcohol and money thrown in, the best thing she can do is remain polite and adult about it all.  Thus avoiding incriminating photos of herself on Facebook the next morning.

Burgeoning Bragging Wars? Or facebook failure?

Ah, bragging. Parental boastfulness has remained a favored topic here at Manners for Modern Mothers. Whether general bragging, bragging about eating habits, or even the terminology of bragging, such showing off is a precarious parental situation which we have revisited time and again.

Apparently, we are not alone. In “A Truce in the Bragging Wars” the New York Times reports mommy blogs have declared war on parental bragging and offers nine guidelines for “acceptable chest thumping.” Assuming one must brag at all, we applaud the suggestion that a parent should brag about the child not his/her parenting prowess, and agree that grandparents are an excellent audience.  However, we retain some reservations about the idea of offsetting boasts with admissions of shortcomings, as children will inevitably overhear and might not like to have parents report on bed-wetting habits, even if it is mentioned in conjunction with their perfect SAT scores. Above all, we have to wonder, can’t one strive to take the high road and remain above this fray?

Instead of raving about one's own offspring, perhaps we should remember to ask, "and, how is your family?" Of course, that would mean an actual conversation, not just status updates on facebook. Perhaps the problem is not one of bragging but changing communication and the prevalence of facebook/twitter/social media. On Motherlode, K.J, Dell'Antonia suggests that parents weary of excessive bragging might want to change their facebook feeds to see different friends. We might even go so far as to suggest that if it leaves you vaguely disgruntled, or makes you feel like an inadequate parent of underaccomplished children, then go cold turkey. Just don't forget to sign up for Manners for Modern Mothers by email: no vacation pictures, no reports of prizes won, and no brattling, just a few attempts at humor, the ocasional rant, and an ongoing discussion of manners in the modern world.

Tis the Season to be Fabulous

We have written about holiday cards before.  And while most of us are scrambling to simply find a picture in which all parties are a) in the frame and b) bonus - looking at the camera; we have heard that some modern mothers view Holiday Greetings as a competitive event.   Lucky for this type of modern mother there is a new invention that may soon make the Holiday Letter obsolete.  Now she can brattle away without superfluous words or pleasantries.  Now she can say it with metrics.  This particular option from beloved site Minted may be placed on the back or front of the card.

 Image from Minted.com

 The not so organized/competitive modern mother may wonder, does the world really need to know about your new kitchen or how many brownies you baked?  Perhaps it is more subtle than saying "I am an exceptional mother and will do anything for my very talented children.  Speaking of my children,  James hit 7 home runs and Natalie starred in the school musical. Oh and btw Ted has a fancy new job."

So where do we go from here?  Will next year's model say: $450 base plus $1.6 Bonus? 14 deals closed in 2013 propelling Sally to Senior Managing Director?  45MM in Amex points earned on our 4 exotic global vacations? 

How about:  2 Turkeys bought for the Greater Boston Food Bank;  1 day spent at the Women's Lunch Place;  6 old toys given to Cradles to Crayons?  Not quite as catchy is it?

Sometimes in these days of constant sharing, less is still more.

Destination Trick or Treating

Traditionally, trick or treating involves unattended children dragging a treat bag along leaf-covered sidewalks and knocking on the doors of their neighbors. The first change to this iconic, Its-the-great-pumpkin-Charlie-Brown-style institution came when parents began accompanying their children, hanging back in the shadows, as children rang the doorbell and collected some type of individually wrapped candy. Now, there is another, rapidly growing yet mildly disturbing trend: destination trick or treating. 

Families pile into their cars, leaving their own houses darkened, possibly with a forlorn basket of candy on the doorstep, and head to a “good” Halloween neighborhood, with a reputation for elaborate decorations, dressed up hosts, and supersize candy handouts. A trick-or-treat destination with buzz, hype, and cachet, where their offspring will be sure to score a lot of loot, probably more than they could possibly eat, and win bragging rights on the playground. 

Halloween in Beacon Hill, MA. Image from flicker.com

Why? Why do families feel the need to seek bigger and better? Why isn’t one’s own neighborhood enough? Is candy so ubiquitous now, especially around Halloween, that visiting a few houses and scoring a few “party size” candy bars and lollipops just isn’t enough or perhaps parents can’t trust that it might be. Perhaps suburban sprawl has pushed neighbors so far apart to make walking house to house onerous, and forcing families to seek out older, denser communities. Or, possibly, people invest so little in their own neighborhoods, they seek to become part of a thriving vibrant local community, even if only for one night. 

Yes, there are families who live in locales isolated or rural enough to require a Halloween car trip. But I like to imagine they seek a good-enough Halloween neighborhood - no elaborate displays, no full-sized candy bar hand outs, just a place they can walk house to house. So perhaps I am just lucky, lucky enough to live in a such good-enough Halloween neighborhood. No hype and certainly no crowds arriving by car, but the neighbors are usually home, with a bowl of candy at the ready. Neighborhood children rattle bags full of candy as they walk along, glow sticks swinging, and usually (but not always) remember to say, “Thank you Mrs. Brigham. Happy Halloween!” 

Smarty Pants

“She could tell Mozart from Chopin at 12 months.” “He was potty trained by two – we’re pretty sure he’s a gifted athlete.” “We’re meeting with her teacher to come up with a plan. She’s never taught anyone this academically advanced.” Of course all parents are personally amazed that their once wet, sticky lump of a baby is now walking, talking and taking on the world. It is wonderful and amazing and we are all so proud.

However, listening to someone brag about the brillance of her child is about as interesting and pleasant as dental work. Yet, instead of telling these rude people to zip it, we smile and nod and say things like “Isn’t that wonderful” or “How fascinating” when what even the most well mannered among us should really do is come together and form a unified front against such bombastic arrogance.  Perhaps something along the lines of “Wow that’s great, it must be all that Baby Einstein he watched” or for those who can keep a straight face “That’s just super. Maybe she’ll be an investment banker and earn huge bonuses. Or someone who structures synthetic debt obligations based on sub-prime mortgages destined to default and leave millions unemployed and homeless. Maybe he’ll run a hedge fund with his sons. Or be a pro golfer with fabulous endorsements. Anyway, that’s great. Thanks for sharing.”

Holiday Letter

Some people genuinely enjoy catching up through a family update letter, but these odd missives rank just under fruitcake in the list of Christmas-related jokes. For those who feel the need to include a letter with their annual holiday card, we offer a few words of advice: (1) Keep it short: even those who like to read those letters won’t make it past the first page. (2) Avoid excessive bragging. Though you might want to report that Hayley will be attending Harvard, do refrain from reporting that Hayley has chosen to attend Harvard since she “was admitted to every college she applied to!” Not only is that excessive bragging, it is also incorrect grammar. (3) Avoid referring to yourself in the third person unless you want to sound like Bob Dole or Elmo. (4) Keep things in perspective. A blow-by-blow account of your cat’s surgery is definitely too much information. Just say you are thankful that she made it through successfully. Keep these suggestions in mind and all your readers will be thankful and maybe even make it through your letter successfully.