Burgeoning Bragging Wars? Or facebook failure?

Ah, bragging. Parental boastfulness has remained a favored topic here at Manners for Modern Mothers. Whether general bragging, bragging about eating habits, or even the terminology of bragging, such showing off is a precarious parental situation which we have revisited time and again.

Apparently, we are not alone. In “A Truce in the Bragging Wars” the New York Times reports mommy blogs have declared war on parental bragging and offers nine guidelines for “acceptable chest thumping.” Assuming one must brag at all, we applaud the suggestion that a parent should brag about the child not his/her parenting prowess, and agree that grandparents are an excellent audience.  However, we retain some reservations about the idea of offsetting boasts with admissions of shortcomings, as children will inevitably overhear and might not like to have parents report on bed-wetting habits, even if it is mentioned in conjunction with their perfect SAT scores. Above all, we have to wonder, can’t one strive to take the high road and remain above this fray?

Instead of raving about one's own offspring, perhaps we should remember to ask, "and, how is your family?" Of course, that would mean an actual conversation, not just status updates on facebook. Perhaps the problem is not one of bragging but changing communication and the prevalence of facebook/twitter/social media. On Motherlode, K.J, Dell'Antonia suggests that parents weary of excessive bragging might want to change their facebook feeds to see different friends. We might even go so far as to suggest that if it leaves you vaguely disgruntled, or makes you feel like an inadequate parent of underaccomplished children, then go cold turkey. Just don't forget to sign up for Manners for Modern Mothers by email: no vacation pictures, no reports of prizes won, and no brattling, just a few attempts at humor, the ocasional rant, and an ongoing discussion of manners in the modern world.




Bad Romance

Recently, a friend finally managed to extricate herself from a bad relationship.  This relationship made her feel unattractive and inadequate.  It made her feel like a bad parent.  She felt she was not accomplishing enough in her life.  She felt like everyone else in the world had more friends and more fun.

Image from The Nutrition Post


The good news is: since leaving Facebook she again feels like the capable, confident, attractive, social, happy person and good parent she is. 

Facebook - it's not for everyone... Do you ever think about going dark on Facebook? 




Is it the Event or the Photo?




We hope you had a splendid 4th of July.   Based on most of the social media postings we saw this morning it looks like the majority of Americans were enjoying idyllic days filled with sand, parades and picnics capped off with fireworks and ice cream.  Which, like many holidays in the digital age, may cause the modern mother to wonder: is it about the event or the photo op?  The article in this morning's WSJ,  Don't Forget to Pack a Photographer  elevates this query to new heights.  The author tells us:

Travelers want to record memorable moments without ruining them stressing about focus and flash. They want more sophisticated shots to share on social media. And vacationers realize that an iPhone may not catch that perfect surfing or skiing triumph.

The kind, tolerant modern mother might think that, with quality time at such a premium, this is a wonderful way to be able to remember one's vacation.  The more cynical modern mother might call it narcissism.

There is no doubt that social media is a wonderful way for families who are apart to stay in touch and share special moments.  But the concern is: are we, as a people, living in the moment or for the photo op?  How can a family really be connecting in any meaningful way with a third party photographer tagging along?  Would one not end up feeling like a cast member on the The Truman Show?

One can of course understand the need for high-quality, "sophisticated" photos for social media when one is sharing them with 500+ "friends."  Because really, if someone is spending time crafting communiques and photos for thousands isn't that Public Relations rather than keeping up with friends?  In any event, should the photographer and videographer fail them people may want to resort to Clive Beacon, Facebook Image Consultant

Finally, let us end with  this delightfully honest piece about Facebook  by good old clear-thinking, straight-talking Stanley Bing who can be found weekly on the last page of Fortune Magazine.



photo courtesy of Google images

So Crazy, It Just Might Work

Recently, a friend asked us how we might handle a sticky dinner party situation.  Since we have learned that often people do not realize their behavior is impolite our suggestion is to be very clear in ones invitation regarding the tone of the evening.  Please find our invitation prototype below.

Dear Friends,
Please come to a dinner at our house on Saturday the 17th.  The dress is spiffy, the occasion is celebratory and the theme is no personal electronic devices whatsoever.   Sadly this means you will not be able to "check-in" to our house on facebook as if it were the SoHo Grand. The first part of the evening will consist of cocktails.  People will stand around chatting, sipping champagne and eating small savory delicacies.   Introductions will be made and those guests already acquainted will catch up.   A guest will be describing his vacation in Majorca not scrolling through photos on an 3.5" screen.  You will not be able to snap a photo of the champagne, post it to facebook and tag all your friends who are also at the party - thereby making those friends not invited feel rotten.  Dinner will follow where we will be serving a soup, fish, meat, salad, cheese and sweet course.  There will be wine to match. Regrettably you will not be able to tweet about any of it in real time.  You will spend the first course talking to the person on your left and the second, the person on your right.  Left right, left right.  You will not need to check your pants, purse, or jacket.  There will be no urgent 10 p.m. Saturday night  texts to be answered.  You can just live in the moment and focus on what is going on around you. Should a question arise to which no one at the table knows the answer people will not be able to reach for the phone/personal entertainment device sitting (oh my!) in front of their bread plate.  Instead the group will have to discuss, speculate, conjecture, hypothesize and think about the issue at hand.  If you believe you can exist in such a disconnected (although to some it might seem incredibly connected) state for four or five hours, we would love to have you over. 

 Oh that one would ever dare...

Friend or facebook Friend?

When the well mannered modern mother first "joined" facebook she might have been mystified by those people from her past or present clamoring to be her "friend."  Some of those people she may barely remember or, in truth, barely know now.  Someone more facebook savvy than she might have needed to explain to her that in facebook world "friend" means: anyone I have ever know/anyone who knows someone I know/anyone I would like to know/as well as the traditional definition of friend. In some cases she might even conjecture that some facebook users are following the old adage "keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

She might have also been surprised by the blatant disregard for the feeling of others that is often exhibited on facebook - one assumes in the haste to share one's fabulosity with the larger world rather than out of pure malice.  For example, she might be made uncomfortable watching one old college chum post countless photos and vignettes about her wonderful visit to city X only to read the cheery but obviously hurt comment from another old college chum who lives in city X say "looks like fun, hope you will call next time you are in town..."  Or she may have watched another scenario play out where "friend" A has declined an invitation from "friend" B with an artificial excuse only to then go and post photos of the party she herself threw that same evening to which (sadly) "friend" B was not invited.  The examples of such thoughtlessness, as you know dear reader,  are infinite.

Now of course the well mannered modern mother can not include everyone in her rolodex all the time nor should she try.  But she should know the difference in her own life between a facebook friend and a real friend and try to take the feeling of those people into account when possible.  And who know, maybe, if people spent just a few more minutes thinking before posting the social network would be a slightly more civil place.



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