I'm not here to make friends!

The early years of motherhood can be lonely for a mother who stays at home, and she may find herself frequenting parks, toddler music classes, and the public library, partly for the benefit of her child, partly to meet some like-minded mothers and probably mostly just to get out of the house. Like a young, single man going for a “run” with a puppy, this mother is ready and available for conversation. (Understandably so.) Unlucky for her, then, when she runs into another variety of mother, a mother of many children and/or older children. Out for a jaunt with one baby or toddler, this mother may be enjoying time with her youngest, who can not yet ask questions like “so, how exactly does the baby get out of the mommy’s belly?” (“Birth canal,” of course.)

When the new-ish mother sidles up to chat about diaper bags and preschool, the more experienced mother may be thinking, “oh please, please, don’t make me engage in small talk! This is boring enough already.” Whereas, she once would have welcomed the interaction of an informal mother’s group, now, she just wants to watch her child play/dance/explore and possibly sneak in a little time with her Blackberry. So what is the well mannered mother to do about this? Clearly, acting like a reality TV contestant and declaring "I'm not here to make friends!" is out. Packing up and heading home is also not likely an option. Instead, she could politely indicate a disinterest in conversation by keeping her answers short and questions few. She could casually mention the older children. Or, she could remember her own boredom and loneliness as a new mother, smile, and chat. In no time at all, she may find herself enjoying a casual conversation with her husband's college roommate's sister's friend, with a former buyer for Bergdorf's, or some one who used to clerk for a supreme court justice. She may even find the whole experience a bit interesting, fun, or informative. And, all while watching the her child giggle and clap his chubby hands or scale a playground ladder for the first time.

Must be your First Child

As a modern mother becomes a “seasoned parent,” she may gain confidence, based not on books and "experts" seen on The Today Show, but on having made and recovered from more than a few parenting mistakes, from having cobbled together some semblance of a harmonious family system, however temporary. And yet, when the well mannered mother stumbles upon this sudden awareness of her own, dare we say, parenting prowess, she remembers all the times when she made an “issue” out of nonsense. Maybe she worried obsessively about how she would ever put an end to her 9 month-old’s thumb-sucking habit. Perhaps when her child went on his first independent playdate, she called three times in the space of two hours. Or possibly, she used to look askance at any mother who preferred to read on a park bench rather than watch her child play. Whatever her former foibles, the well mannered mother remains acutely aware that parenting is a moving target, a learning process, and a more experienced mother might find her current worries about primary school homework foolish or naive. In the spirit of this awareness, she refrains from commenting, “Clearly, this must be your first child!” in many, many situations. When she overhears the mother of a toddler say, “I really think he is gifted, have you seen the way he stacks his books and lines up toys?” she moves on. When she witnesses a parent approach the school nurse to say that her kindergartener “didn’t really eat any breakfast this morning - what should we do about it?” she bites her lip. When a mother explains that her baby is “24 and a half weeks,” she admires the baby, rather than respond, “Weeks? Must be your first, if you’re counting that closely!” Because, what new (or new-ish) mother wants to have her inexperience remarked upon? What mother of any experience wants her weakness pointed out? So, even if she has to pinch herself to remember, the well-mannered mother tries not to let the phrase "must be your first" slip out, no matter how much she is thinking it.