Swearing like a Sailor... at Seven?

Some rainy afternoon, a well mannered mother may come upon her children whispering conspiratorially, while listening to the Black Eyed Peas' “My Humps” on a CD she foolishly allowed them to borrow from the public library. “Shhh… here… its here! Listen!” one child says to the other and they bend their heads close to the speaker, and their eyes flicker in recognition, when they hear the lyric, “…all that ass inside those jeans...” Never mind that the song is dreadfully inappropriate for so many reasons besides the language. Never mind that this is probably not the first time they’ve heard a swear word. Never mind that the song is just really, really bad. Even annoying.

The mother recognizes her children are focused on the language and this is a “teachable moment.” Though she may be tempted to pretend she doesn’t see them, she has no excuse. The house is reasonably quiet; its not bedtime, homework time, or get-out-the-door-we’re late-for-school time. The only problem is that she’s not entirely sure how, exactly, she should address swearing.

She briefly considers confiscating the CD, disapproving loudly and continuing about her business, imagining that her children’s world is and will remain PBS kids, Raffi, and homemade cookies. Next, she considers postponing any discussions with a deft “re-direct,” and a comment like, “Oh you want to hear funny song? Have you ever heard of Weird Al Yankovic?” But she decides to save the powerful tool of Weird Al for a more desperate parenting occasion.

So she takes her mother in-law’s advice (really!) and tries to address the language issue head on. Casually as possible, she asks, “oh are you listening for the part where they say, ‘ass’?” (Yes, if your mother can say “ass,” it can’t be that cool or dangerous.) Then she explains, “Most adults find swear word offensive, especially coming from children,” adding, “I don’t care if you use those words, but I would be really disappointed if you were to use those words in front of other children and adults.” Voila! Words (hopefully) de-mystified, expectations defined. The well mannered mother can only hope that they are met. Meanwhile, she braces herself for the moment when her toddler, eavesdropping from the next room, starts swearing like a sailor.

Public Speaking

In public places, one may sometimes encounter a variety of mother who audibly narrates her young child’s activities, in a sing-song, faux-pre-school teacher manner. At the grocery store, “Yes, Aidan, that’s broccoli! You love broccoli.” Waiting at the doctor’s office, “Baby?! You see the baby? Yes, that baby has a pacifier like you, but yours is only for nigh, nigh.” Crossing the street, she may look both ways in an exaggerated manner. In a public restroom, she may burst into a “hand-washing song.” On the playground, she may be seen hovering beside her child, tissue at the ready. Wherever she is, her continuous voluble narration is unstoppable. The outside observer might wonder if this steady stream of commentary allows this mother to make it through a mind-numbingly dull day. Or, perhaps, she believes that this semi-instructive patter will benefit her child more if delivered in loud saccharine tones. Or, she may believe her monologue will demonstrate her skill as a mother. Maybe she has not yet realized that the world is indifferent to what she says to her child in the grocery store and that no one doubts that she is, indeed, the person best qualified to raise her child. Even without the sing-song drivel.

Oh, Please!

Every well mannered mother wants to teach her children to use the word “please.” And most know that one effective strategy is modeling the use of “please” when making polite requests of her child:
“Please help set the table, darling.”
“Please pass the butter.”

Yet, the well mannered mother also knows there are times when adding a “please” is neither effective or recommended:
“Please don’t hit Mommy in the face, sweetheart.”
“Please? Honey? Can you stop kicking the back of that very large man’s chair?”
“Please! Stop beating your brother to a bloody pulp.”

Hitting, kicking, and the kind of atrocious behaviors that land a family on a reality TV nanny show, all need to be addressed immediately. In these situations, she can be confident enough to skip the pleasantries and go for a direct command: “Stop it.” No raised voice necessary, no pleading, no extra words, because this is not a request, but an instruction. Think about it. Is continuing to hit his mother/ kick the seat/ beat his brother really an option for the child? Of course not, and the well mannered mother wants to make sure her child knows that.

The Name Game

It is the rare adult who truly appreciates being addressed as "Hey, Betty" by a five year-old; especially when he is her son. The well mannered modern mother knows that no matter how egalitarian or evolved she is in her own abode (or commune) when meeting new adults a polite child should address them as Mrs., Ms., Mr. or Doctor unless expressly asked by the adult to whom she is speaking to do otherwise. This tried and true convention should be seen not as means of repressing a brilliant and precocious child but as a way of making other adults fell comfortable and respected by your children. The well mannered modern mother realizes there are really not that many adults who consider people under 18 their social or intellectual equals. She will at times even reflect upon the interesting fact that even Karl Marx, father of Communism and defender of the proletariate, addressed the workers of the world as "Comrade Vladamir" not just "Vladamir".