If its Organic, it must be Healthy!

The modern mother can buy any variety of organic packaged food for her children: organic toaster pastries, organic freezer waffles, organic cheese puffs, organic chocolate graham bears. The list goes on. The organic label might make a mother feel better about feeding her children fruit snacks instead of fruit, but of course she is fooling herself. If the first ingredient is “organic cane sugar” or “organic evaporated cane juice,” chances are it is, well, mostly sugar. If it looks like a Rice Crispy treat, and tastes like a Rice Crispy treat, well… you get the point. We’re not saying “don’t buy organic,” since buying organic supports organic agriculture and leads to lower pesticide use, among other things. But let's be honest with ourselves: processed food is still processed food and organic soy lecithin is not any healthier for our children than regular soy lecithin. There are times when the convenience of a packaged snack can't be denied, but the well mannered mother knows that just because her cellophane-wrapped treat is USDA certified organic doesn't mean its superior.

Social Discourse

From time to time the modern mother will need to talk to people who do not have, want or care about children. This may seem unfathomable to the average modern mother in these child-centric times. But really it's true. In fact, there is a whole section of society completely uninterested in children. In order to interface successfully with these people the well mannered modern mother should have a few topics of conversation in her repertoire unrelated to children and parenting. Popular adult topics of conversation include but are not limited to: political unrest in other countries, the slow food movement, the Stieg Larsson mystery, Google, Pandora, and anything from The Economist, The Atlantic or written by Malcolm Gladwell. While such discourse may seem anathema at first, with fortitude and perseverance the modern mother will soon discover (remember?) a world of topics and interests that have absolutely nothing to do with her offspring. Not only will this result in an increase of dinner party invitations but it may also help the well mannered modern mother and her children to remember that they are not the center of the world.

Oh, Please!

Every well mannered mother wants to teach her children to use the word “please.” And most know that one effective strategy is modeling the use of “please” when making polite requests of her child:
“Please help set the table, darling.”
“Please pass the butter.”

Yet, the well mannered mother also knows there are times when adding a “please” is neither effective or recommended:
“Please don’t hit Mommy in the face, sweetheart.”
“Please? Honey? Can you stop kicking the back of that very large man’s chair?”
“Please! Stop beating your brother to a bloody pulp.”

Hitting, kicking, and the kind of atrocious behaviors that land a family on a reality TV nanny show, all need to be addressed immediately. In these situations, she can be confident enough to skip the pleasantries and go for a direct command: “Stop it.” No raised voice necessary, no pleading, no extra words, because this is not a request, but an instruction. Think about it. Is continuing to hit his mother/ kick the seat/ beat his brother really an option for the child? Of course not, and the well mannered mother wants to make sure her child knows that.

Reciprocity

The well mannered mother knows if she is invited to a social event she is expected to reciprocate. Never is this truer than with the dreaded play date. If some kind-hearted mother is willing to entertain her child for an afternoon the well mannered modern mother knows she has a social obligation to do the same.

Of course there are people who don’t care about that sort of thing…what comes around goes around…lalala… we are all one happy village…and all that. Wonderful for them. But for the well mannered mothers living in the real world where other people’s five and six-year-olds can be something of a burden, it’s nice to share the joy.

Clearly, once children have become good friends and families are acquainted a strict back and forth protocol is not necessary. But for the initial play dates or if the modern mother has called someone because she is in a jam she really must extend an invitation to the other child. If the child is unavailable and a subsequent invitation is also refused, the well mannered modern mother can be comfortable in the knowledge that her social obligation has been dispatched.

Sometimes your child might be invited to a house where you do not know the family or are uncomfortable with the caregiver situation. In that case it is perfectly all right to invite that child to your house. You are then under no obligation to send your child to their house. But be aware that over time most people will figure out you think they are crazy and may stop sending their child to your house. Then again, if they really are as crazy as you think, perhaps that is all for the best.

Things can get tricky for the well mannered working mother especially if she begins to feel that her child is always going over to a friend’s house. In this case, she might want to invite the friend on a weekend outing or have the friend and her parents for an early family dinner as a way of getting to know the other family.

Mostly this well mannered author longs for the days when children could head out the back door, wander around the neighborhood unattended, play kick-the-can in the street until it was too dark to see and not have to worry about having their every movement choreographed by their parents.

Free Thinking

The business of bringing up children is filled with stuff: plastic playhouses, turtle shaped sand boxes, swing sets, soccer cleats, large plastic ride on toys, skateboards, bicycles, scooters, and more. So when it comes time to clean out the basement or garage, a well mannered mother may want to squeeze her eyes closed, clap her hands to her head and run, run away. Or haul it all out to the curb and hope the garbage truck will take it away. But landfills don’t need another plastic rocking horse, children’s easel, or bicycle to rust away in the stew of broken plastic party favors and other debris. Surely, there is a child somewhere who could use it. And, aren’t there enough sand boxes, booster seats, and pairs of youth sized in-line skates on this earth already? Wouldn’t it be best to find someone who could use your family’s outgrown gear? Wouldn’t it be better to use your neighbor’s gently used hand-me-down instead of rushing out to buy the newest baby swing? Not only does everyone save money, but we send a message to the retailers and creators of cheap plastic kids’ stuff: “Enough already! The world has enough of your junk. We’ll just pass it around amongst ourselves now, thanks.” No one should ever have to buy any of it new again. Never, ever. Of course there are exceptions, like car seats, and things do wear out over time, but for everything else, go for the vintage, the tried-and-true, the hand-me-down. The well mannered mother who enjoys shopping can think of it this way: if she can find a serviceable second-hand sand box, the children won’t know the difference, and she’ll have some extra cash to buy some truly fabulous foundation wear or irresistible bauble.

It can take a little extra time and determination to find new homes for some items, so we counsel you to stay strong and we offer these suggestions: Offer it to a friend with younger children. Find a local consignment shop or Play it Again Sports. Try ebay, Craig’s List, or freecycle. Donate to Goodwill, Vietnam Veterans of America, Big Brother Big Sister, Sports Gifts, or Cradles to Crayons. If all else fails, leave it on the curb with a sign that says “Free!” and make somebody’s day.

Hand-Me-Down Happiness

The Well-Mannered Mother or blog reader may occasionally suffer a pang of self-doubt, wondering, “what if my hand-me-downs have become somebody else’s “hand-me-downer” or dreaded bag of junk?” While we want to assure our gentle readers that we highly doubt it, we will offer a few thoughts on giving hand-me-downs gracefully.

First, a well-mannered mother looks over each potential hand-me-down with fresh eyes. How bad are the holes, stains, pilling? Non-existent? Passable? Or, would the garment violate reasonable standards of hygiene and possibly a few health codes? She may also assess suitability. Is the recipient child already or approaching the approximate age/ size for the item? Or will it have to languish in storage for years to come? Best to keep things relevant and not pass size 10 clothes on to a newborn. To avoid potential awkwardness, the well-mannered mother may offer the recipient a chance to decline her second hand treasures. Rather than drop a bag by the house when no one’s home, she may call, email, or ask in person, saying something along the lines of “I was cleaning out Ian’s closet and have some adorable shorts and shirts that he’s outgrown. I was thinking your family might be able to use them. Would you be interested?” This gives the mother a chance to say, “Thanks but we’ve already got more clothes than we need.” Or, “yes! when can I come get them?” A truly gracious mother may clean out her children’s closets, organize everything into discrete piles, and invite a few friends over to select which items they can use. Sort of like a trunk show, only much, much better.

Hand-Me-Downers

The business of bringing up children is filled with stuff. Tiny baby socks, bouncy chairs, high chairs, ride-on toys, jackets, mittens, soccer cleats, backpacks, dress shoes, bicycles, skates, and lots and lots of clothing, much of which is hardly worn before its outgrown. No wonder so many of us love to give and receive hand-me downs. Most mothers do not, however, love to come home to a bag full of heinous junk sitting on the front step, with or without a note that says, “A few things I thought you could use! Enjoy!” A bag of stained children’s t-shirts and underwear is, of course, not a gift at all but another item on a to do list. (Sort contents: rag bag, trash, charity.) What’s a well mannered mother to do about an over-zealous giver of questionable goods? Initially, she must accept graciously and dispose of the contents. If the “gifts” keep coming, she could try to deflect future deposits with a phone call or email saying something like, “Thank you so much for all your hand-me-downs. Our closets are absolutely stuffed full of great clothes. We just have so much now, I couldn’t in good conscience take any more hand-me-downs. Can I help you find somewhere else to take your next bunch?” Or she could continue with the status quo (accept, dispose, repeat, accept, dispose, repeat), satisfied that she has not passed the buck, or in this case, bag of junk, on to some unsuspecting mother.