If You Don't Have Anything Nice To Say...

Of course we all know the rest of this old adage.   If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. 

There is also, sadly, the tacky, snarky version to be found on someecards and needle point pillows. 

The thing the mannerly mother finds difficult to understand about the pillow is - is this something one would purchase for herself?

image from Google images

 Because, how on earth could one ever give - or worse - receive such a gift?  "Dear Sally, I saw this pillow and thought of you - you back-talking, gossipy, so and so. xoxo Bunny"  As the receiver of such a gift would one say "Oh thank you Bunny, you know how much I love being unkind and catty.  This is just perfect!"  Perhaps one just needs to be in the right mood.

In our case, it isn't that we don't have anything nice to say these days, we just don't seem to have time to say much of anything.  So, please know, we are thinking of our blog and hope to find more time and topics in the near future.

In the meantime, if your house is anything like our house, the delicate (and not so delicate) art of costume negotiation is in full swing.  Hope this vintage M4MM piece helps.

I beg your pardon, what did you just call me?

We ran into a lovely lady this morning who wanted to know our thoughts on children addressing adults by their first name.  So when our archivist got back from her coffee break we asked her to pull up one of our earliest pieces entitled The Name Game.  Reprinted below with permission.


The Name Game
First published November 17, 2009

It is the rare adult who truly appreciates being addressed as "Hey, Betty" by a five year-old; especially when he is her son. The well mannered modern mother knows that no matter how egalitarian or evolved she is in her own abode (or commune) when meeting new adults a polite child should address them as Mrs., Ms., Mr. or Doctor unless expressly asked by the adult to whom she is speaking to do otherwise. This tried and true convention should be seen not as means of repressing a brilliant and precocious child but as a way of making other adults feel comfortable and respected by your children. The well mannered modern mother realizes there are really not that many adults who consider people under 18 their social or intellectual equals. She will at times even reflect upon the interesting fact that even Karl Marx, father of Communism and defender of the proletariat, addressed the workers of the world as "Comrade Vladamir" not just "Vladamir".

It's Not About the Book

It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that a suburban mother, in possession of a young family, must be in want of a book club.* And to what end? Will they peruse Pride and Prejudice? Take on The Happiness Project ? Will they read David Foster Wallace or stick with Danielle Steele? The list of literary possibilities goes on. Luckily, the choice is hers and the variety of book clubs is endless, though most involve some drinking of wine, talking about schools, families, and husbands, as well as discussion of an actual book. Sometimes even a book about something besides schools, families, husbands.

Admittedly, there can sometimes be negatives: having to read yet another book about Afghanistan, the one member who vociferously hates every book or domineers discussions, or even the scheduling and organizational email mayhem involved with getting a group of 8 to 10 adults together these days. But the modern mother who finds herself, joining a group of intelligent, like-minded adults for dinner and conversation once a month can count herself lucky, even if she doesn’t always love the book.

Some modern mothers may choose to become conscientious objectors and eschew all book clubs. Perhaps they would rather curl up on front of The Millionaire Matchmaker. More likely, they don’t want to be obligated to spend precious time reading dubious books selected by committee. Whatever her reasons, the conscientious objector will doubtless find alternative reasons to get out of the house in the evening, mingle with her peers and satisfy her curiosity about the larger world: a lecture? a film festival? a gathering to learn about local non-profits? a consciousness raising? (Well, maybe not that last one.)

Like it or not, book clubs come with the territory of suburban motherhood, much like kitchen renovations, trunk shows, and summer house rentals. And since it's not really about the book, the well mannered mother can embrace her book club as an opportunity to stay current on topics fit for adult conversation, all while enjoying some camaraderie and a cocktail, if she is so inclined.

*with apologies to Jane Austen, the patron saint of women's book clubs, and author of Pride and Prejudice, which opens with the inimitable line, "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."

Are We Really All Miserable?

Modern mothers, are we really all miserable? Or does parental woe just make a good story? Earlier this month, the blogospere was atwitter, responding to New York Magazine’s, “All Joy and No Fun” by Jennifer Senior. Featuring lamenting, handwringing, and copious social science, the article presents modern parenthood as a relentless grind, a bore, a source of anxiety and discontent. Colored with anecdotes of parental unhappiness, the article contains study after study showing that parents are “less happy” or have lower “life satisfaction” than their childless counterparts.   

Much like watching “Real Housewives” shows, the appeal of this article may lie in comparing oneself to the poor “miserable” parents in the article and finding oneself comparatively happy. Yet, while the title  of the article may beckon in a supermarket tabloid sort of way, the content, well, seems like complaining about lives that are fundamentally pleasant -- champagne problems.  Or perhaps “media –generated” problems.

These are the news stories that perpetuate stero-types of privileged, competitive and neurotic mothers. Do modern parents wait too long for, look for too much out of parenthood? Do they view children as a project to be tackled, another accomplishment, and another prize to garner? Are they so worried about perfecting their children that they fail to enjoy them? And so on. It’s hard not to feel like we’ve heard this before (think Judith Warner) and that complaining about modern parenthood is as popular a sport as lamenting the “kids these days!”

So no, bringing up children is not a picnic, a joy ride, a trip to the spa, but it can be rewarding, especially for those who remember how to keep things in perspective, maintain some semblance of an adult life, and steer clear of such perfect storms of social science, quotable parents, and a good journalist. 

Going Incognito

Sometimes a well mannered mother may find herself seated in an evening French class, at a downtown book signing, or even a lecture by a semi-famous person, surrounded by strangers, all of whom appear to have come from work, some in their twenties, others over 60, but by all appearances all without children at home! Has she entered a parallel universe? If she has come directly from a frenetic house full of cavorting children, even a well mannered mother may be tempted to make small talk with those seated nearby, with something like, “Sorry about the spit up on my sweater – you know babies!” Or, “Oh I love your orange bag -- my son loves anything orange.” Or, “how about that parking? Sure was hard to find a spot big enough for my mini-van.” However, in this situation, we suggest, “Don’t blow your cover!” Go incognito for the evening; try to pass. If someone attempts to make small talk, rack your brain for non-child-related topics, or better yet, pull up some conversation topics that you have stored just for this type of occasion: the antics of Stephen Colbert, the financial peccadilloes of the local library, or even the class/author/speaker that you currently await. Surreptitiously look around the room at all these people who live in this other world where one goes to work and then comes home to do whatever one feels like doing. Bask in the adultness of it all. Imagine some of your fellow audience members going home to their tidy households, where there are no toys on the floor, no backpacks or jackets spilling from the mudroom, no broken plastic party favors heaped on the kitchen counter. After they wake the next day, you can imagine that they may even sit in an actual chair at the breakfast table and peruse the paper or check email before heading out to their offices. Imagine if your life were this calm and orderly; remember what your life was once like. Then, think of your children, sleeping snugly in their beds by now (or at least picture them so) and think how happy you will be to see them in the morning. With all this imagining, you might not hear a word of the class, book reading or lecture, but you’ve gotten a lot out of the evening, nonetheless.

Social Discourse

From time to time the modern mother will need to talk to people who do not have, want or care about children. This may seem unfathomable to the average modern mother in these child-centric times. But really it's true. In fact, there is a whole section of society completely uninterested in children. In order to interface successfully with these people the well mannered modern mother should have a few topics of conversation in her repertoire unrelated to children and parenting. Popular adult topics of conversation include but are not limited to: political unrest in other countries, the slow food movement, the Stieg Larsson mystery, Google, Pandora, and anything from The Economist, The Atlantic or written by Malcolm Gladwell. While such discourse may seem anathema at first, with fortitude and perseverance the modern mother will soon discover (remember?) a world of topics and interests that have absolutely nothing to do with her offspring. Not only will this result in an increase of dinner party invitations but it may also help the well mannered modern mother and her children to remember that they are not the center of the world.