Careful with those Old School Manners

Holding doors, standing up when an elder enters the room, or giving up your seat on public transportation are just a few 'old school' manners rarely practiced these days. Possibly (sadly) with good reason. No one should risk physical or verbal abuse for the sake of good behavior. Apparently some people get quite hostile when offered a seat on a bus "Are you saying I'm old? You're no spring chicken yourself." (Social Graces, Town & Country, January 2010 by Joanne Kaufman) Others get angry when a man holds a door. As one woman wrote to The New York Times "For years, I’ve gritted my teeth at the office when men insist that I enter or exit elevators before them — often adding “Ladies, first!” I believe it’s rude to call attention to my gender this way, as if I were a member of a weaker class." (Social Qs, The New York Times by Philip Galanes, October 29, 2009) In such situations discretion is the better part of valor. No need to end up in the emergency room just for trying to be considerate. So where does this leave the well mannered mother as she attempts to teach the next generation how to behave? "Edward, always hold the door for a lady as long as she is wearing lipstick and heels. Phoebe, it is polite to offer your seat to an elderly lady on the bus when she is not dressed like a Kardashian or packing an umbrella." Maybe not. Perhaps the best tact to take is for the well mannered mother to do what feels right in a given situation and then explain her action to her children at a later time (once the violent/hostile/grateful recipient of such social grace has left the scene).

Don't Mind Me

These days there seems to be a growing number of individuals who believe the rules of polite, orderly society do not apply to them. No doubt Paris Hilton is somehow responsible. Well mannered mothers may wonder, what on earth makes people feel entitled to jump the post office line, scoot in front of you at the car service center, or usurp a sales person with “just a quick question” that turns out to be exactly the same sort of transaction the rest of the queue was waiting to perform? Prada boots? Tory tunic? Gucci bag? Because high fashion is no excuse for low behavior. In these and a myriad of other instances the best thing a polite person can say in a pleasant but firm voice is “Excuse me, you must not have realized that there are several people waiting, all of whom were here before you.” There is no guarantee that this will have any effect since the perpetrator is probably immune to such civility. However, you will feel better for having tried. Another common affront is the invasion of personal space in a situation where it is not acceptable. Obviously a subway or crowded elevator is one thing and the social norm is sardinesque. But in a restaurant or waiting at a counter when you have already made way for an encroaching individual once or twice you might try “I hope I am not in your way?” or “Do you have enough room?” Again such subtlety could easily be lost. And yet, the well mannered modern mother continues to fight the good fight against ridiculous entitled behavior. She knows that often the eyes of her young family are upon her and how she reacts in these situations will leave a lasting impression on her children. Plus these people are so annoying.

Time to Let Go

A good nanny can become like a member of the family - a family member who may drive you crazy by not loading the dishwasher right, buying your kids annoying toys as "presents", or eating the rest of the sliced cheese and forgetting to tell you. No matter, a nanny comes to your house, cares for your children, prepares them special food, cleans up, wipes their noses, teaches them to wear "big-girl" pants, and marvels with equal pleasure at all of the adorable things your precocious tots may say or do. She tells you in a quiet voice when somebody had an argument with his best friend at school today. She may even love those little rascals. But unless you envision your son at age 15 still wanting his crusts cut off his PBJ and needing a good nose wipe, all things must end someday. For some families, the end comes when the nanny decides to move to be closer to her family, to go back to school, or to start a family of her own. For an unlucky few, the police show up with a warrant and take her away. For other families, the nanny must simply be let go. The children are older, you’ve quit working, or what ever the reason, there are a few simple ways to soften this painful task. (1) Remember that she has been caring for your children (for years in some cases) and deserves your respect. (2) Ask other mothers you know if anyone is looking for a nanny. Get some job leads for her if you can. (3) Give her ample notice or give her good severance. (4) Always be willing to serve as a reference. (5) Have the children make her a special drawing or gift. As always, lead with the positive when breaking the news (“you have been so loving, reliable and kind”) and end things on a pleasant note.

I Fear Madam Has Been Over Served

While such occurrences are rare, it might happen that a well mannered social mother will occasionally awake with a “morning head” or, as it is more commonly known - a hangover. In this case she might take the following steps: Step One — assess the situation. Where are you? What day is it? What are you wearing? Should all these appear to be in order, move on to Step Two – physical condition. Can you move? Are you going to be ill? Are there small children climbing on you? If you can possibly sit up and think, it is time for Step Three – recovery. Who can you enlist to care for your boisterous lot while you “sleep it off?” Husband, neighbor, sitter, dry cleaner, television – any of these will do. If there is no help available remember the following: move slowly, do not shout (it is unladylike and very painful), drink flavored fluids such as water with a splash of cranberry or tomato juice with a splash of vodka, promise your children all sorts of treats tomorrow if they can whisper and not fight today. Lastly, Step Four – learn from your mistakes. The well mannered mother does not discuss the previous night’s excesses in front of her children, nor does she blame anyone for her present condition except herself. She may, however, wander around the house in dark glasses telling any adult who will listen that she is never drinking again – unless she has hired a sitter to arrive at six the following morning.

Thank You Notes - From Children

What 4 year old is "too busy" to write a thank you note? Exactly. While in some fabulously over-scheduled circles, thank you notes may have become passé, people who know, know that this will not do. Like coaching a child to have passable table manners; training a child to write thank you notes can be excruciating. For younger children, drawing a picture, or signing a name to thoughts dictated to a parent can suffice, but by the time children write complete sentences in school, they are old enough to write their own thank you notes. Some rare children have a natural gift and can toss off charming and honest thank you notes from a young age. Many other children may lay their heads on the table and moan like a colony of lepers at the mention of thank you notes. Best results are achieved when a parent sits with the child and walks her through it. Find a sizable chunk of time when you are relaxed and focused and your child is awake and well nourished (not bedtime). Talk about the gift and the person who gave it: “What did aunt Betsy give you? Did you play with it in the basement yesterday? Does that complete your collection of Magic Tree House books?” The well-mannered mother guides her child to the material for the note, getting the job done, and teaching her children that writing thank you notes is a manageable and possibly enjoyable task. With luck, she will liberate her children to write thank you notes on their own when they are older and less amenable to parental meddling. Though it is tempting to allow children to wallow in the ignorance of a thank-you-note-free life, would you really want your child to become so entitled and boorish?

Over the river...

… and through the woods to Grandmother’s house we go. Oh no! Now that the modern mother has finished being "crazy busy," taken off her spandex and put on her best foundation wear it is time for the truly trying test of all well mannered mothers: the trip to the in-law's house. Despite the many potential pitfalls and tensions, the well-mannered mother tries to maintain a congenial relationship with her husband's family. For some, this might mean cajoling her children to don the “adorable” (and itchy) lederhosen that Granny brought back from Germany. For others, this might mean easing up on the “no processed foods” rule so Grandpa can whip up his signature scrapple and Velveeta egg breakfast. For most, fostering this relationship will likely involve shared dining, excessive table manners, reminding children to speak politely and thank you notes. While this can be irritating and exhausting, the well mannered daughter-in-law remembers that this will pass, her in-laws mean well (usually) and if she is fortunate, she will someday be someone’s mother-in-law.

Crazy Busy

It’s that time of year, not “the holiday season” but the “crazy busy” season, in which everyone from your dog walker to your neighbor will impress upon you just how busy she is. This can be especially true for mothers as they try to balance run-of-the-mill parenting chaos with additional parties, shopping, recitals, visiting relatives, holiday cards and letters. Ask, “How are you?’ and look out for the laundry list response: “Great, but things are so crazy, yesterday was Emme’s holiday concert, but I also had to pick up teacher gifts, and then there was the office holiday party and then today I had my cookie swap. It’s just been crazy busy.” Hmmm. You’re “crazy busy” because of a cookie swap? What exactly is a cookie swap? We all know this variety of mother, who seems to “out-busy” everyone. Mention you’ve got a conflict with a holiday gathering? She’s got two conflicts that very same night! Hard to find time to sit down a get those cards sent out? She’s got it worse! Maybe some mothers view busy-ness as a benchmark of success. Or, perhaps enumerating such busy-ness soothes a mother’s confusion that these many small tasks could make her feel so frantic. Others may use their proclaimed busy-ness as a cover  for lapsed manners such as not RSVPing or writing thank you notes. The well mannered mother does not compete over whose schedule is more hectic. Nor does she use her packed schedule as an excuse for avoiding proper etiquette. Rather than bore her listener with a litany of events attended, gift purchased, etc., she will engage her companion cheerfully as befits the season. Maybe then, she can take a deep breath and actually enjoy a good cookie swap.