A (Homework) Room of One's Own?... Maybe Not.

The “latest” parenting research can often just be a huge guilt trip, but other times, it can provide welcome support for the status quo.

A recent New York Times article, “Forget What You know About Good Study Habits” may fall into the latter category for many a modern mother. It may provide some peace of mind for all those mothers struggling to “clear a consistent, quiet homework workspace” in a boisterous house, or a mother feeling inadequate because she is unable to fit “quiet consistent homework time” into a hectic schedule.

The article reports on recent studies showing that shaking things up, moving study spaces, studying in several short sessions about may actually improve academic performance. Go figure. And, go ahead, encourage your child to practice those spelling words in the car on the way to gymnastics, to fill out math worksheets at the kitchen table, and lie on the floor while completing vocabulary exercises. For once, not being the organized mother might actually have some benefits.  

Memo to My 19 Year-Old, Babysitting Self

I know you’ve really been enjoying babysitting this summer, and not only for the $20 an hour you earn as a college student babysitter in a resort town. (For the record, 20 years later, $20 an hour is STILL a lot of money for babysitting.) You actually enjoy children, maybe even want to have a few some day. You will, and when you do, you may find yourself looking for a trustworthy babysitter.  But back to you, my 19 year-old self: I have a few words of advice about those babysitting jobs.

First, all parents want their child to have “a really fun time,” but they also don’t want to come back to find their house (rental or not) looks like its been ransacked by a band a marauding pre-schoolers.  Cajole the kids into helping you pack up the 20 puzzles you've done together, put the dishes in the dishwasher, put the markers away, legos in the lego box. Parents are not expecting you clean up after them – only that you leave the house habitable and its not that hard. In the distant future, you will find yourself doing these things on a regular basis.

Second, if the mother mentions that her 3 year-old seems “a bit crabby today,” nod politely and hope he hasn’t tuned into evil-child incarnate.  Don’t chime in with commentary about how he screamed for 2 hours and tried to head-butt his baby sister the last time you were there. Chances are, she’s merely trying to acknowledge that her child is not uniformly delightful; she is not inviting critiques. 

Finally, if the parents seem a bit tipsy when they come home, they are. Just take your payment and get out of there. Don’t let them embarrass themselves. They’re like 40 or something, after all.  And you will be too, before you know it.  

Back To School Jitters

No doubt many a well mannered modern mother has faced the back to school jitters.  A new kindergartner, a nervous third grader, a tween starting middle school, prehaps even someone going off to college.  Yet, in one way these are the easy jitters.  The ones the well mannered mother herself remembers; the ones to which she can relate and respond in comforting and credible ways.  And if she can't there is always the internet.  A quick google of the words 'back to school jitters' yields numerous strategies for helping your progeny to cope with the stress of it all. 

But what about the mannerly mother herself?  What about her own personal jitters?  Is she smiling beneath the tears - secretly rejoycing to 'have her house back' or just glad that her work-life juggle will be a bit easier with everyone back in school?  Or is this next chapter calling into question her own place in the world?  Now that her children are is school all day - what should she do?  Get a "real" job?  Ramp up the volunteering?  Train for a marathon?  Take up tennis? Put the last 8 years of photos into albums?  Sort the toys in the basement?  Quit her job, fire the nanny and learn how to become a lady who lunches?  To some, no doubt, the possibilities are endless.  To others it's just another lap around the gilded cage.

So good luck getting your little ones off on their first day and good luck figuring it all out yourself.  Once you do, please drop us an email - we'd love to know how you did it.

There's No Place Like Home

Any modern mother able to take her children to visit grandparents in her own childhood home, can count herself lucky. In our transient country, it is indeed special to be able to return to the scene of one’s own upbringing.

Oh, the nostalgia and wonder it can evoke: the gravel still crunches under car tires in the driveway; the front door stands unchanged; the house smells the same; the floorboards creak just as before. Yes, the house may be very much the same, yet the modern mother may find herself so very, very different. Have the rooms gotten smaller? How is it, that the lavatory looks so dated? How is it, that the time when she lived here was so long ago?

College, first job, second job, graduate school, a wedding, another job, homeownership, and finally, children have filled the gulf between the shimmering, bottomless hours of childhood and the considered, practical planning of today.  Now, many a modern mother knows what she will be doing each week of the summer by approximately June 15^th.  Gone is much spontaneity and the sense of endless possibility.

So, the modern mother, may revel in watching her children run about, catching lightning bugs in the yard, seeing a child rush through the screen door, letting it slam behind him, or watching him glide his fingers along the same banister as he heads upstairs, dirty and exhausted. It can make her own childhood seem so close, yet untouchable, unattainable, like a mirage. And she can’t take her eyes off the children as they infuse her old home with their spontaneous joy. 

Sexy Mamas

"Yesterday, in the kitchen, he couldn't keep his hands off me!"
"He woke me up twice last night -- just tearing my clothes off!"
"Now that  both kids are in school all day ..."

Our sources in the field (playgrounds, carpool lines, sports sidelines, that is) tell us that talking about one's steamy marital sex life is not limited to writer Ayelet Waldman and her revealing 2005 essay. We've heard tales of mothers disclosing all manner of hot, hot marital trysts to any number of peers and contemporaries.

What could be behind such racy talk? Emulation of celebrities? Talk show culture? Could it be the desire to  advertise oneself as fun, spontaneous and sexy? To show oneself to be still desirable, though entering middle age?

If a man is driven to distraction by the vision of his wife wiping down kitchen counters in her khaki capri pants, good for him. Just please don't make us think about it! No one wants to imagine the erotic secrets of the modern mother's bedroom (or kitchen, or basement, etc.) Those secrets are her husband's and hers alone -- their very own crazy sexy secret. Trust us, it will be much better that way for everyone.

Reading is Fundamental - now can everyone please relax?

Like learning to use the toilet successfully, learning to read is something most children born to literate, educated parents learn to do.* Yet in today's affluent urban and suburban areas parents are distraught when their brilliant, advantaged children are not reading by age four.  OK, five.  But really, it seems like nowadays every six-year-old is expected to be able to read chapter books (and we are not talking about Frog and Toad).  If for some reason a child is not reading at a third-grade level in first grade, clearly the specialists need to get involved.  A tutor should be hired and the problem needs to be fixed.

Now what can a well mannered modern mother do?  Well, if it is her child who is not reading Dante in Pre-K she can wander around aimlessly in a sea of blame and self doubt wondering what is wrong with her as a mother.  Or she can remember that everyone learns at his own pace. In fact there is a body of literature arguing that we are pushing children to read at far too early an age and that many children aren't physiologically ready for formal reading until age 8 or so.  Mostly she should try and remember all those hours she spent worrying about breast feeding, nap schedule and potty training and remember that those things worked out and chances are this will too.  Or she can look ahead to middle school where her child may encounter drugs, booze and members of the opposite sex and that may put this current crisis in perspective as well.

The well mannered mother with a worried friend must never say anything like "Oh that must be so disappointing for you" or "Sorry,  I don't know how to help, my son has been reading since he could hold a book" or "They say the best way to have early readers is to read to them when they are young - didn't you read to her?"  Not only are such comments unkind and unhelpful but the well mannered mother knows that life is long and, to paraphrase, the race is not always to the swiftest.  In the meantime, while waiting for the life-race swiftness results, the well mannered modern mother might want to try to sit back and enjoy the ride.  They tell us it will be over before we know it.

*Children in less rarefied environments are not always as fortunate and may truly be in need of help.  That is why Reach Out and Read has launched the Summer of a Million Books to give a brand-new, age-appropriate book to one million at-risk children before Labor Day. Click here to help.

Just Say No (Politely, Of Course!)

In the recent article, “Yes, I’m Home. No, I Can’t Pick up your Child” the Wall Street Journal reported a growing number of stay-at-home mothers feeling put out by too many requests from other parents to help out with childcare, rides, errands and favors. Feeling like doormats, or easy targets because they are at home, these mothers have taken to internet chat rooms to complain and start a “doormat rebellion.”

Of course, our well mannered readers already know how to stem such rebellion. Reciprocity can make play dates, carpools, errands, and favors more appealing for all involved. Not a tit-for-tat, strict exchange, but a few simple gestures: picking up a needed grocery item, an occasional weekend playdate, or offer of a ride to a birthday party can help. As can a recognition of the complicated lives of all families, regardless of the parents' work situations. A mother who "doesn't even have a job" has commitments and obligations too. Whatever her opinions of these commitments (you can't, because of a cookie swap??), a wise mother will accept them and not expect her friend to change her plans, except in the case of a true emergency.

More importantly, we would add that an overloaded mother can say no, and politely.  Or, as Tucker, author of the first related comment on the WSJ Juggle blog said:

“I’m terribly sorry but I won’t be able to.”

Seems much easier than starting a website campaign.