Coming In For A Landing?

 image from Free Range Kids

A article making the rounds these days is Tim Elmore's  "Three Huge Mistakes We Make Leading Kids...And How To Correct Them."  The mistakes not the children.

It is a good reminder to let our children take risks, make mistakes and replace phony praise with genuine and merited encouragement.  Of course, chances are, if you read this blog, you have probably read The Blessing of A Skinned Knee, which is the gold standard of such parenting advice.

What I wonder is, it getting better?   Are more parents giving their children a little more freedom to make mistakes?  Are some of those helicopter parents coming in for a landing?  According to Free Range Kids letting your kids walk a couple of blocks in your own neighborhood may land you in jail.  This article on What Makes a Nightmare Sports Parent - And What Makes a Great One suggests that there is still a lot of work to be done.

One result of such parental management seems to be the children who call home 8-10 times a day from college asking questions like "should I have a hot dog or chili for lunch?" or "Should I do my Econ or History homework first?"  One also reads about parents helping (?) to negotiate a person's first salary and calling a company's HR dept to advocate for their offspring. 

Thoughts?

Ladies Of A Certain Age

We are fortunate to know some lovely ladies of a certain age who are extremely well-mannered but also unabashedly candid.  At first blush these traits might not seem consistent but it is, of course, possible to speak one's mind while  knowing which fork to use.  

These days, we all know one such lady, The Dowager Countess of Grantham.  Like a breath of fresh air she sails through Downton Abby leaving zingers, embarrassed youth and dropped jaws in her wake.

Photo courtesy of BTVision

 The question of whether is is possible to speak one's mind without hurting the delicate feelings of those around one is another matter.  With some of these ladies it is probably best to leave your sensitive feelings with the butler but you might want to keep your gloves on just in case. 


P.S. Apropos of nothing more than candid people with good hair,  we recently stumbled upon this delightful Jack Donaghy Insult Generator.  We hope you enjoy it.  Happy Weekend.

 Image from Johnnyetc

The Maternal Arms Race

 Even the most well mannered and confident mother can get a bit wobbly at times.  No matter how put-together, the modern mother can occasionally have doubts.  Her children are well behaved,  good students and they participate in after school activities.  Yet there she stands, one sunny afternoon, blindsided by a group of mothers engaged in some sort of maternal arms race determined to out-do each other with the myriad of extracurricular, athletic, artistic and pseudo-academic pursuits in which their under-10 children are participating.  Couched as laments such as, "I don't know how I'm going to get my children to all their activities this weekend,"  or "I just wish the school could teach math at Avery's level, then I wouldn't have to be dragging her to Russian Math twice a week..."  these comments are intended to expose the brilliance of one's children and the many sacrifices of their fabulous and selfless mother.   By the time we encountered a friend after a recent episode, she was shell-shocked and, even worse, doubting her own excellent parenting philosophy.  Ridiculous.  We know.  She knows.  You know too, dear reader.  Yet, everyone has been there.  One wonders did those other mothers come away from the encounter feeling better about themselves?  Was such bravado comforting to anyone in that collective? 

We happened across a blog recently called breed 'em and weep.  It is written by a single mother in Western Massachusetts who is struggling.   She is struggling to find the meaning in her separation,  struggling to raise her children, struggling to keep her house and pay her bills.  This piece the road more taken, puts a lot of things in perspective.

Stop the Draft!

We have written before about the most polite way in which a well mannered modern mother can decline a volunteer opportunity.  However, in that post we mistakenly assumed that "no meant no."  But it has recently been brought to our attention that there is a certain volunteer elite (let us call her the alpha mother) completely impervious to rejection.  Our source tells us that after she, a well mannered mother, politely but firmly told the alpha mother she could not help with a project;  manila files arrived in her mailbox and an email of her acceptance was sent to the wider community.   Nervy, we know.  And sneaky too.

So, now what?  Lest we forget, being well mannered does not mean being a push-over and anyone who mistakes a polite demeanor for a timid or compliant nature had better look out.  This is the point at which the mannerly mother must demonstrate the iron hand beneath the velvet glove, and not put up with such artifice.  We recommend an email responding to the alpha's email to the wider audience politely pointing out her mistake. (i.e. Dear Madame X, I am terribly sorry that you mistook my refusal to chair the Sunny Hill Spring Dance in the attached email of September 8th, as an affirmation...)   We all know sometimes it takes a village to keep things running smoothly and if a school-wide event such as a fair is taking place every parent should, if possible, help out.  But remember you are no one's Girl Friday.

It is the psychology of this behavior that is most interesting.  Does the alpha mother assume that because we or our children belong to a certain community, we are obligated to give back how and when she wants us too?  Or does she feel manipulated into a role and so assumes she has the right to manipulate other people in the same way?  Or maybe she has simply found that  ignoring people's protests is the most effective way to get them to do what she wants.   Yes, well, as Peggy Olson recently said to Don Draper's weepy secretary "Your problem is not my problem." So, while it may take a village,  the alpha mother's problems are not your problems and your life and your time are your own to manage as you see fit.

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