Sheryl Sandberg makes me feel guilty

The saturating media coverage of Sheryl Sandberg, and her new book, Lean In have left me feeling a little guilty and a little confused. Like a splinter, something about her message lodged and irritated, and I wasn’t quite sure why. And then I read this post on Penelope Trunk’s blog.

In her post, Ms. Trunk, blogger, career coach, homeschooling mother, says, “I am doing a life that she [Sandberg] would hate” and feels bad she doesn’t measure up to Sheryl Sandberg’s stratospheric standard. Me too. (For those who have missed the barrage of media, Sandberg argues that women should aim high towards big careers and positions of power; they need not cut back and slow track themselves.)

The problem is, I never wanted the big corporate or government position. Ms. Sandberg might see this as downshifting before starting. I see it as normal for someone who seeks time for friends, family, creativity and contemplation. Doubtless, there are other women like me: those who aspire to be teachers, artists, botanists, therapists, among others. Are they all guilty of self-sabotage or downshifting?

Ms. Sandberg's analysis of women and workplace issues shifts much of the burden onto women themselves. Thus, inspiring that vague guilty feeling. Those women who don’t push forward against the glass ceiling become part of the problem and those who do push forward, but fail, appear to have not tried hard enough.

Ms. Sandberg is an amazing, accomplished individual. I hope many women and girls benefit from her  "You can do it!" message. I feel happy to live in a time and place where she, and women like her, can succeed so visibly and vibrantly. Yet, her life cannot be for everybody. Some women might not want it; others might not be so lucky.

Is it Your Job or Our Job?

A recent article in the Wall Street Journal blog The Juggle came right out and said what many well mannered modern mothers have know all along.  Namely, in order for one spouse to achieve a high level of success the other spouse needs to have a more supportive role.  The article was about uber successful professionl women and in that case the husbands had assumed the support role.   This can mean staying at home full time or a scaled back or reduced work schedule.  Or, as the article said, "In other cases, if both spouses work full-time, very time-intensive jobs, it sure helps if at least one makes enough money to pay for lots of help and child care."  So however you slice it - someone needs to manage life at home.

This leads us to the question: if one well mannered spouse is supporting another well mannered spouses career, is it his job or their job?  Should the at-home spouse have a say in career decisions?  Strategy?  Entertaining?  Does she get to review big presentations or a pitch to the boss for a raise?  In these days when it is just as likely the at-home spouse has an advanced degree as the working spouse - does she owe it to the family to weigh in?  If not, what does it mean to be a corporate wife exactly?

Does it mean that the well mannered modern mother's job is to make the well mannered father's life flawless and make sure that he is always, always, available to focus on his job?  Sick child, demanding client,  they need me in Brussles tomorrow, big deal heating up, strategic partner melting down, school conferences, 'No worries Honey, you do what you need to do, I've got it covered.' seems to be the kind of support most firms are looking for.  This formula appears to work very well for many happy couples - just like it did on the home front during WWII and in the Lower Paleolithic Hunter-Gatherer culture.