Stunned into Silence

This week, we've been stunned into silence by Monday's bombings at the finish line of the Boston Marathon. No, neither of us was present and neither of us had friends or family who were victims. That makes us lucky. Yet, we mourn the loss of three vibrant and young Bostonians and the maiming of so many others.

While our thoughts are with the many victims and their families, we recommend Messing with the Wrong City a recent op-ed by Dennis Lehane. His piece so perfectly sums up some of the peculiarities of our adoped city. Bostonians like hard things (epic snowstorms, creaky public transportation, and unexplainable traffic patterns). Rich with medical institutions, grit, and, in Lehane words, "adoration for civility and intellect," Boston will not be cowed by such atrocious acts of terrorism, we're all just too contrary.

* We wish we knew who to credit for the image. We found it on Facebook, where it is rapidly going viral, just like Lehane's op-ed piece. 

Let Us Now Praise Famous Women

The Modern Mother of a Certain Age may be feeling sad today at the passing of two great leaders of her youth.  First, the formidable and fascinating Baroness Thatcher, Britain's "greatest post-war Prime Minister has died at the age of 87." (Telegraph, UK) 

 Photo courtesy of Time Magazine

And second, a lady of a very different pattern, Lilly Pulitzer socialite and fashion icon died this past Sunday at her home in Palm Beach.

Photo courtesy of NYTimes

They will both be missed by many a Modern Mother. 

To read more about the extraordinary  Mrs. Thatcher please visit the Margaret Thatcher Foundation. 

There can be no better tribute to dear Lilly, than the many pages of her creations that can be found on Pinterest.

Parenting advice from non-parents?

Sometimes it can be hard to take advice from a “childless bystander” but in a recent op-ed, the New York Times’ Frank Bruni makes it easy. His observations of modern parenting are deeply amusing and often true, especially his take on gratuitous praise and how parents sabotage their children’s eating habits by talking about them excessively. A few points seem a bit tired: when he describes modern parents as prone to “boundless fretting” it feels like Judith Warner’s Perfect Madness or New York Magazine’s July 2011 issue all over again. Happily, he concludes with the observation that most children turn out fine no matter how they are fed, transported, soothed, disciplined, etc. He’s certainly right about that. That, and the fact that all children these days eat way too many chicken fingers.

A Crisis of Conference

I never thought I would be one of those mothers - the ones who doubt, dismiss, disbelieve, when a teacher reports less than desirable behavior in her child, the mothers who assume that her child’s faltering performance at school stems from the school “not doing enough” or a problematic teacher. But then, I had never really been tested.

Sitting in a recent parent teacher conference, learning about my third child’s “learning differences,” I was surprised by my own reaction. Despite a careful, kind and well mannered delivery, the message somehow sounded like, “all of the other 1st graders sit quietly at their desks reading chapter books, while your child swings from the light fixtures, and barely writes his own name.”

Battling mounting anxiety and defensive thoughts like “their expectations are just too high” I managed to listen and ask questions. I could see where and how my child might need some support. In the end, the teachers and I pulled through this “crisis of conference,” had a civilized discussion and put a plan in place to help my flagging student.

Yet, I emerged humbled – not by the fact that one of my children will need tutoring, but more than a little surprised to find myself susceptible to the kind of defensiveness that can undermine an effective parent teacher relationship. I like to think of myself as a cooperative and open-minded person, not someone who would deny the existence of a problem.

In the end, I suppose I am lucky. Lucky, that good manners and good will prevailed, allowing us to proceed forward and do what is best for this child, whom I love so much.

Friday Frivolity: Momologue

Most mothers have had one of those moments: a moment when the patter she engages in with small children, her usual monologue (or shall we say momologue?* ) spills out into "real life." She might find herself pointing out the window and brightly exclaiming, "Look at the dump truck!" when riding in a car with friends. Or she might find herself biting her lip before suggesting, "careful!" as a friend steps out into a busy street.

However chagrined the modern mother might feel about such slip ups, she can rest easy she has never gotten so myopically focused on her role as parent to behave as the character in this fictional video.

Of course, the interesting point that this video highlights is something most of us instictively know to be true: many of the ways adults talk to children are not considerate, nor do they help a child make sense of the world a they experience it  Not so frivolous thoughts from a humorous video. Food for thought.

Have a wonderful weekend!




* Momologue: The patter in which mothers sometimes engage, a mixture of instructions (napkin in your lap!), admonitions (sit square on your chair!), and observations (look! the butter is shaped like a shell!).

I Have Fifty, Do I Hear One Hundred?

With school auction season upon us, we thought this old piece seemed particularly apropos.

Going, Going, Gone!
Reprinted, with permission, from March 22, 2011

Should the conversation begin to lag when you are talking to the mother of school-age children, one  sure way to avoid an awkward pause is to bring up school auctions.  A polite inquiry such as “Does your child’s school have an auction?” is usually good for upwards of 20 minutes.   In this time she will regale you with tales of the time she chaired/contributed to/attended the XYZ school auction and the horror or hysteria that ensued.  It is hard to pinpoint what exactly makes school auctions so fraught with peril but it undoubtedly has something to do with the combination of alcohol, competition, money and ego.  While we cannot, in good conscience, suggest the well mannered  mother avoid these gatherings entirely – after all they are for a good cause – she might want to follow some basic guidelines.

Pre-auction: if volunteering, show up when you said you would and do what you agreed to (see Committees).   It is also best not to voice your opposition or displeasure too loudly or you might end up chairing the event next year.  Additionally, have a strategy worked out with your spouse/date of how much you want to donate that night.  A “safe word” to stop your spouse or yourself in the heat of the bidding frenzy is also recommended.

During the auction: keep your wits about you and alternate between the hard stuff and a glass of seltzer to insure lucidity.  Eat something. Socialize, don’t crowd the bidding tables.  Remember, to the victor goes the spoils.  While you may feel good about it at the moment, do you really want those two weeks in Hilton Head or the taco party for 30?  Keep it friendly, this is for a good cause.  If you win wonderful.   If not, just think, the school gets more and you get to keep yours.  So really, in a way, you did win.

Post-auction: get in touch with the kind people who donated whatever it is you purchased as quickly as possible to agree on delivery.  Never complain or imply you overpaid.  Do not gossip - it is gauche to discuss who spent how much or who outbid his own bid three times.

Finally, the well mannered modern mother knows that while these events may be like a Prom with gasoline, alcohol and money thrown in, the best thing she can do is remain polite and adult about it all.  Thus avoiding incriminating photos of herself on Facebook the next morning.

Sheryl Sandberg makes me feel guilty

The saturating media coverage of Sheryl Sandberg, and her new book, Lean In have left me feeling a little guilty and a little confused. Like a splinter, something about her message lodged and irritated, and I wasn’t quite sure why. And then I read this post on Penelope Trunk’s blog.

In her post, Ms. Trunk, blogger, career coach, homeschooling mother, says, “I am doing a life that she [Sandberg] would hate” and feels bad she doesn’t measure up to Sheryl Sandberg’s stratospheric standard. Me too. (For those who have missed the barrage of media, Sandberg argues that women should aim high towards big careers and positions of power; they need not cut back and slow track themselves.)

The problem is, I never wanted the big corporate or government position. Ms. Sandberg might see this as downshifting before starting. I see it as normal for someone who seeks time for friends, family, creativity and contemplation. Doubtless, there are other women like me: those who aspire to be teachers, artists, botanists, therapists, among others. Are they all guilty of self-sabotage or downshifting?

Ms. Sandberg's analysis of women and workplace issues shifts much of the burden onto women themselves. Thus, inspiring that vague guilty feeling. Those women who don’t push forward against the glass ceiling become part of the problem and those who do push forward, but fail, appear to have not tried hard enough.

Ms. Sandberg is an amazing, accomplished individual. I hope many women and girls benefit from her  "You can do it!" message. I feel happy to live in a time and place where she, and women like her, can succeed so visibly and vibrantly. Yet, her life cannot be for everybody. Some women might not want it; others might not be so lucky.