Back to school, back to school involvement?

Labor day is past. The seasons are changing. School is here. Shall we all breathe a sigh of relief? Or shall we shudder with dread considering the coming onslaught of curriculum nights, school fundraisers and other opportunities for parental involvement?

The prospect of selling raffle tickets, bringing in 40 sliced apples for “healthy snack” or even baking for the archetypal bake sale might seem like a good way to “get involved” as your first child enters kindergarten, but it is a universal truth that parents become weary with too much volunteering.  Some parents have careers that keep them tied up for most of their waking hours, others have passed one too many afternoons as cashier at the book fair, others might be training for their next triathalon. Whatever the reason, a seasoned parent might begin to dread the onset of the school year and the concomitant calls to “get involved” through extensive volunteering.

Conveniently, the New York Times recently published a story addressing the forever angst-ridden topic of school involvement.  While we encourage you to read the whole story, we applaud the astonishing simplicity of the closing recommendations for parental involvement. They are: (1) Meet the teacher (i.e., introduce yourself, show your support for their educational mission and open the lines for communication); (2) Ask good questions (i.e., really talk with your child about his or her experiences at school); and (3) Put your children to bed (i.e., don’t let them stay up to all hours because you’re too lazy to turn off Glee or stop blogging and enforce bedtime.) These recommendations are sensible, sane, and above all, polite. Since they focus on treating others (child and teacher) with respect, setting appropriate limits, and civil interactions, these recomendations no doubt come naturally to all our well-mannered readers, but are refreshing to read, nonetheless.

Wishing you all a smooth transition back to school. Happy September!

May I make a suggestion?

“May I make a suggestion?” might be a dreaded question for a new mother, but it also exasperates the mother volunteering to run a large school or community event. Why would a simple suggestion fill her with dismay? Ideas inevitably follow. Often good ideas, but approximately 99% of which require large amounts of money, time, or both. In most instances, the volunteer chairperson is already working hard, barely holding it together, picking up take out for dinner, forgoing the gym, and all for the satisfaction of contributing to her community, not an actual paycheck. The last thing she needs is more added to her to do list.

 “Wouldn’t it be great to hold the school auction on a riverboat?”

“You should hire a choral group to sing carols during the Holiday Bazaar – it would add so much atmosphere.”

“Why don’t we take all these great donations for the rummage sale and sell them on ebay? They would bring in so much more money!”

 The answer to all of these suggestions might be a resounding yes, were time and money no object. But time and effort are in notably short supply these days.

 If a modern mother is the unlucky chairperson of such an event, what should she do when faced with fanciful and/or time consuming suggestions? While it may be tempting to reply, “Great idea! Perhaps we could get Gwyneth Paltrow to do an endorsement of our event on GOOP, and we could get a caligrapher to hand write 500 invitation to all members of the community while we're at it!” but it would probably be better to respond, “That is such a fabulous idea. Would you like to start working on it?”

 As a corollary, when the modern mother finds herself only tangentially involved in some auction/spring fair/charity rummage sale, and is overcome with brilliant ideas and suggestions, she should stop and consider the who, how, where, and when of making them happen. If she finds herself ready and eager to help propel her idea forward, then go crazy, go ask the volunteer chair and you might make even her day.  Otherwise, take care offering suggestions, or you’ll be the first person called upon to run the show the following year.

Stop the Draft!

We have written before about the most polite way in which a well mannered modern mother can decline a volunteer opportunity.  However, in that post we mistakenly assumed that "no meant no."  But it has recently been brought to our attention that there is a certain volunteer elite (let us call her the alpha mother) completely impervious to rejection.  Our source tells us that after she, a well mannered mother, politely but firmly told the alpha mother she could not help with a project;  manila files arrived in her mailbox and an email of her acceptance was sent to the wider community.   Nervy, we know.  And sneaky too.

So, now what?  Lest we forget, being well mannered does not mean being a push-over and anyone who mistakes a polite demeanor for a timid or compliant nature had better look out.  This is the point at which the mannerly mother must demonstrate the iron hand beneath the velvet glove, and not put up with such artifice.  We recommend an email responding to the alpha's email to the wider audience politely pointing out her mistake. (i.e. Dear Madame X, I am terribly sorry that you mistook my refusal to chair the Sunny Hill Spring Dance in the attached email of September 8th, as an affirmation...)   We all know sometimes it takes a village to keep things running smoothly and if a school-wide event such as a fair is taking place every parent should, if possible, help out.  But remember you are no one's Girl Friday.

It is the psychology of this behavior that is most interesting.  Does the alpha mother assume that because we or our children belong to a certain community, we are obligated to give back how and when she wants us too?  Or does she feel manipulated into a role and so assumes she has the right to manipulate other people in the same way?  Or maybe she has simply found that  ignoring people's protests is the most effective way to get them to do what she wants.   Yes, well, as Peggy Olson recently said to Don Draper's weepy secretary "Your problem is not my problem." So, while it may take a village,  the alpha mother's problems are not your problems and your life and your time are your own to manage as you see fit.

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